To be honest, I've been kinda thinking something alone those lines recently. It's not a happy thought...
My life isn't bad right now, but... it's not going anywhere. Nothing ever happens. Feels like it'll just keep going like this until i'm dead. I don't know how i can really meet enough new people, or get close enough to them, or be vulnerable enough, or have enough time or money to really make meaningful real life connections. It feels like i'm trapped, like the walls are closing in. I think i'm horribly lonely, to be honest. I think I've let the "me" that i present to the world and the "me" that i keep hidden don't know how to mesh anymore. I don't know how to transition people from one to the other... It's no even that i put on that much of a mask, but it just feels like the distance between formal acquaintances and genuine friends is a million miles away. I don't know how to cross it. I don't really know where or how i'd go and meet people. I don't know how i'd let them in, or how i could get them to really care about me, or for me to really care about them. I want a girlfriend, but i can never seem to hold on to anyone i'm interested in enough, and i always let them just slip through my fingers, i never know when the right time to make a move is, and so i never do. I don't know how to hold on tighter without being needy or creepy, or maybe i do, but fuck i'm scared to try it.
Even when quarantine lifts... I don't know how to fix any of this. I don't know how i can meet new people and make genuine friendships or loves. I don't even know if i know who i am anymore. I want to laugh and cry with other people. I want to support them through their hardest times. I want them to be there to support me. I want to laugh with them and cry with them and do lots of new, exciting things with them. I want to make memories that i'll cherish forever. I want to, but i don't know how. I have no idea. Even if i did, i don't know if i know how to open myself up like that anymore, or if i have the courage. It feels like i made one too many bad decisions in my life and now the walls are closing in. It hurts, and i don't know what to do, where to go, what to say. I don't know how to change things. I don't know if i have the time or money to change things. I don't know if i have the courage or strength to change things.
The worst part? I think this is a passing feeling... I won't have this kind of desperate determination in a little bit... I'll cPost too long. Click here to view the full text.