I appreciate what you've done here.
Can you please delete that last post? it's got some spoilers in it.
My friend was trying to convince me that I'm more intelligent than other people and I've adamantly refused to believe that. However…there is a reading level problem here.
My writing is generally legal briefs intended for judges and long sentences with complex structure and such are what judges expect to read, and different ideas are expressed in clearly-defined places with clear labels. The friends I have had read my story who liked its story content were scholarly people….those who like me push very slowly through a block of text and understand it meticulously.
It took me 3 hours yesterday to read through my 21K words, and I wrote them. I have a slow, thorough reading style now because I can no longer scan text because of an eye injury, and I remember reading books as a little kid that were very hard to absorb and I had to go back and re-read a lot to get the concepts. Textbooks can be like that for me too.
You took much less than three hours, and I think other readers of pony fiction will also take a lot less time. So,this story is either a script that is only going to work when I read it aloud over illustrations, or if I break it down into smaller bits with more description that forces the reader to absorb it as a speed that can be digested.
Some of the key points you summarize are muddled, which is a clear symptom of this problem and I thank you for approaching it as any reader would. I think, if you approached it the way I do and meticulously put in the time to see each word you will see the advanced concepts I'm trying to show you, but I don't expect you to do that and unless you do, the story comes out as something else.Post too long. Click here to view the full text.