I'm so sick of feeling sick.
Got back from my walk, took a shower, and all the muscles in my upper back and upper arms feel stiff and sore and has made it hard to really get anything done or to find motivation to do so.
And for two weeks before that, I was having all sorts of problems with side effects from antidepressants. I have been having a lot of problems with anxiety and maybe, possibly, an avoidant personality disorder in the past few months and I was prescribed an antidepressant I used to take for a few years many years ago. It only kind of worked but the side effects were too much. So now I am taking another antidepressant I used to take for a number years after that first one and while I am not having side effects that bad (though I am not sure if this muscle pain isn't a side effect itself) it's not yet having the desired effect. It might get there when I can safely up my dose though, but in the meantime I am still depressed and anxious and reclusive.
But perhaps it's just because I am apprehensive about getting back on anti-depressants in general. I used to be on them for about a decade and a half. I spent a number of years trying to get off them but never feeling like I was in a place where I could
get off them without plunging back into depression. In that entire time, I kind of existed in a state of a sort of emotional flatness, cause that was just kind of what they do. Never too
down, never so anxious as to be crippled (well not too crippled) ... but never really in touch with how I really
felt about anything, least of all about how I felt about myself.
That kind of changed around 2011, near my 30th birthday, when things came to a head in my life and a lot of things happened that would ultimately lead me to decide to come out of the closet about a few things about myself, and which lead me to find a relationship for the first time ever. In the momentum of that moment and with all the optimism it brought, I decided I could, and needed, to get off the antidepressants, I thought I was free of the things that were keeping me so depressed all the time, and I just wanted to ... rediscover myself. I didn't want to feel so emotionally flat all the time. So in 2012, I weaned myself off them.
At first it was great, it was like I was myself again, after 15 years, I was kind of discovering that I was a more passionaPost too long. Click here to view the full text.