/pony/ - Pony

I've been playing a lot of video games lately. I've also been going to the gym a lot more.

Good, but otherwise I keep getting these flashes of deeply depressive moods. I can't quite place my finger on it, but I feel an overwhelming sensation of dissatisfaction with my life. Maybe I'm just lonely, or maybe company is just a temporary band aid?

Sex doesn't help, drugs and alcohol do not help, and keeping my mind busy with work and what not only works for so long as well. It's all temporary distractions to a deeper sadness that never seems to go away.

How does someone escape their own mind, or rather embrace it once more? I feel constantly conflicted with wanting to embrace death and the death of my senses; and wanting to heighten them; to experience newfound sensations that rattle the experience of life and make it feel worth living. I should be grateful of my living situations because it isn't bad by far, and yet I feel so exquisitely empty at times.

Why is it I'm always the one reaching out to others and then subsequently helping them with their own problems? Yet everyone seems to forget me once all is said and done. Perhaps that's what I want in the end: to be forgotten and alone. Yet, if I want it so badly then why does it feel painful? Why does being surrounded by people feel horrible and being left alone feel equally as bad?


What are the secrets to life and this human experience? When will I finally find the person that I can call my soulmate? Why do I even desire one? And then what? What happened after that?