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Alright so...this thread. Not sure how to start this thread really. 318 posts and 220 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.
I want to make this thread as an attempt at a type of group therapy. The reason for this is that, while many of us had normal childhoods, and hopefully not too many bad things later in their adults years, I know some of us had quite messed up childhoods and/or are struggling as an adult.
I want this thread to be geared towards being able to talk about traumatic, or just bad, experiences throughout your lives. Maybe reflect on them, and find support in others and realizing you were not, or at least are not now, alone in things.
Please only talk so far as you feel comfortable. I'm sure people will get questions about things, or asked for further explanation, but you do definitely do not have to go further if you don't feel comfortable.
Please be as supportive as you can, I'm sure some of us come from backgrounds and cultures with beliefs that may seem cruel or wrong to an outsiders point of view. Please don't mock those views, but rather try to, if you must, just state why you think they might be harmful and leave it at that.
Try and remember we are not doctors or psychologists, this is just for support, understanding, and maybe discovering something about ourselves.
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Well i guess since i can't sleep anyway, this is as good as a time as any to get this one out of the way.
Hiding for sexual harassment.
so i think I've talked about my uncle a little bit, and my aunt, but just for a bit of context incase I forgot something, me, my two aunts, and my uncle were all living on one property. Very trailer park set-up. I was about 17 at this time, or maybe just turning 18. My grandma had long since passed away, and my grandpa had moved in with a new women, about half a mile from where we all lived, so he wasn't at the property when this was happening. He never would have allowed it. Anyway...
It was one of those nights where my uncle had gotten very drunk and high. He had been fighting with my two aunts all day, and earlier in the day had been talking about trying not to listen to the voices. (This was nothing new, he often talked about that when he was on some hard drug like heroin)
Well later in the night it got especially bad. He was really yelling and fighting with both my aunts in the kitchen, and he through something, which actually hadn't happened in some time, so it made me way more scared than usual.
I could have snuck out the hallway door of the trailer, but on this particular night I was actually scared to leave. One of my aunts was nearly bed ridden and I knew she couldn't fight back if she needed to. Turns out I made the right choice, though sometimes I wish I hadn't.
Well, like I said, it got particularly bad, and I thought that I could...I guess, try to break the tension.
I got down into a ball on the floor and started fake crying very loudly. Loudly enough that they could hear me. I thought that...maybe, it would make him stop. Maybe I could appeal to his empathy and make him feel bad for scaring us all so bad. And you know, for a minute, I thought it worked.
He came into my room and saw me crying, and he tried to cuddle me and shush me.
This is where I realized I fucked up.
He went from rocking me gently to rubbing my arm. I stiffened up, knowing that that touch wasn't right, and then I broke out of his grip and moved to mu bed. He followed me. He tried to climb into my bed. I pushed him back and asked him what the fuck he was doing.
He started to say something about laying in ned with me, and I said what the fuck? No
He said "no one would have to know", and I said "you're my uncle, what are you talking about?"
He repeated himself and agaim tried to climb on my bed.
I lost it.
I got up and shoved him in the chest and told him to get out. And he laughed. He fucking laughed at me and did thia mock challenge where he acted like he was going to hit me or something.
It was about the time that I yelled at him to get out that my aunt, from her bed, started yelling at him too asking what he was doing to me and if I was ok. He left my room and started talking to her.
I got back in my bed and was sitting there in shock, and then I very clearly heard my aunt say
"Ew! What are you doing? Ew!"
I lost it again.
I stormed out of my room, saw that he had climbed up behind her on the couch and was...I don't know, touching her stomach? I don't know, but I just remember grabbing his shirt and almost ripping it as I pulled him off the couch. Then there was a really tense moment where he drunkenly stumbled back then yelled at me like an animal, literally roared, and I stood my ground between him and my aunt and stared him down.
Then he demanded my aunt give him her car keys. She tried to argue with him for a minute, he yelled, so she told him where they were.
After he took off my other aunt came in the house, cause she had seen him peel out of the driveway, and she wanted to know if we were ok.
We ended up calling the cops, but I don't think they found him that night, and didn't really pursue it since we only reported the car being stolen.
I ended up staying with my grandpa for a few days, and when I had to go back to the house, I completely ignored him.
I remember him trying to confront me as I tried to run into the house, and he yelled "why won't you talk to me? What did I do?"
...he had no fucking clue. He didn't remember a goddamn thing.
That's the most violent I have ever been with another person.
That sounds incredibly traumatic. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Wow I...wasn't really expecting a response that fast. I thought I was kind of banking on being one of the only people up/active right now.
I'm a little numb right now or I would say a bit more. I'm ok though. That was the worst it ever got directed at me.
Glad you're okay though.
Try not to stay up too late I guess.
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Sometimes they just make you sick to your stomach
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Thoughts on sexual abuse freak me out
I kind of wish I had been a little braver and told my grandpa more, or maybe just at least told him I didn't want to live there anymore. He would have probably helped me get out of there sooner.
But that was always extremely hard to do, tell him anything like that. I was always scared that he would have a heart attack or something. He was a very strong man, but he stressed easily. The one time that someone did tell him about what happened that particular night, (and they didn't actually know the full details, whoever it was that said something), his girlfriend called me up and tried to ask me what happened and if it was true,because he was in the bathroom literally puking from stress thinking the worst.
That was like, my worst fear come true.
I lied my ass off on that one, and made sure it was a good lie too, just so he would calm down. >deserved better
I mean maybe. I'm not cutting myself down here, I'm just trying to say, if I got a chance to change it or go back in time, I wouldn't take that chance for fear of losing something that I have now. >>1007300
You don't have to read what I wrote sweety>>1007329
But now I have friends and family. I had it before obviously, but not like this.>>1007387>hugs
I'm ok. It was stressful and bred a lot of distrust in me, but I'm ok.
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My parents take care of my kids mostly and I am not always there to watch what's going on. Often I read the disgrace of kids being abused and the real parent turning a blind eye, but I really wouldn't know what to do if my kids would utter an accusation of sexual or other type of abuse. (not that there is any accusation for it right now)
For myself... I don't feel any sexual attraction or anything towards my kids, but I can be afraid sometimes whether I am doing things that can be misconstrued as or is technically considered sexually or abusively inappropriate.
Stuff like taking showers with the kids, allowing them in your bed or the kind of conversations/jokes you have with them. Heck, kids themselves are often oblivious to the underlying issues and do I bring that up because that is sexual in nature itself.
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Good thread, op.
Fish therapy is recommended!
Oooh, you tank is so pretty~
I plan on having lots of fish therapy over the weekend.
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Thanks so much!
I built the stand finally yesterday. I moved in with just one big fish surviving from the trailer park and got him these new friends who were so cool with him, swimming with him and nuzzling him and he enjoyed the big space and seemed so happy. He didnt make it tho. These guys are super interactive and will come hang out with me and they follow each other around between the rocks in a big school.
Best of all, no mystery wasting disease like happened to my old fish who had a slow steady die-off from something that came in on a batch of 10 neons and gradually killed everyone very slowly over a period of several years. I want to add some plecos and a blue betta but im afraid of introducing disease. These guys are just so super healthy, perfect fins, personalities, fun...im not risking that lightly.
What are your fish plans for the weekend?
I'm putting this in a hide box because I want to try and keep the thread on track if I can, but I don't mind a little chatting.
Man that sucks, I'm sorry that happened. I'm always worried something like that will happen once I get a good set-up
I would be careful with a betta. Their heat requirements are so high you might risk making your goldfish sick. If you're filter is beefy and can handle it, you could try some guppies, all the same sex if you don't want babies. I found that they are just as pretty and fun as bettas but can withstand a wider temp range really easily.
I have some pieces of slate that I'm going to break into smaller chunks and use for scaping.
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Hide da fis
bettas have temp requirements? They sit in a cup. Ha. Im running no heat and my biofilter is entirely rocks (since discovering in the 90s that live rock works just as awesome is fresh water as reef) and for removal i have a big fat crappy back filter and a little agitator to sweep the bottom with current so debris eventually finds its way to the filter.
I had guppies as a kid, in my first tank which exploded from ignoring all the advice i got. Before that happened all the baby guppies were so much fun! They dont require tropical temps?
Probly i keep with these guys alone. I want to add a protein skimmer to remove dissolved organics, and get rid of the back filter. Yesterday i had an idea to build a sealed sump so it can connect to the tank with snorkels like a cannister filter but be based on a fat cheap pond pump with a huge flow rate. Probly for now i will just keep operating it as it is and enjoy having it up off the floor.
Edit: oops forgot to say thanks for the condolences, and also slate is awesome im sure itll be great!
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Popping in here out of the blue to weigh in on things that dont concern me, i wanna make sure you know i appreciate your honesty about your side of the rock that was in our path way back, even though you later expressed regret about the circumstances surrounding that candid statement about how i had made you feel.
It is entirely understandable that my hyper-overreactive and defensive (ok probly more like aggressive) behavior cut a bit uncomfortably close to things youve endured.
Seeing it from that perspective not only validated my memory of the facts but cleared up perplexing wrong conclusions i'd jumped to.
What im saying is that hearing the truth is always right and im glad you do your best to take the risk and tell people what they might not want to hear. Grateful that you did it for me, considering how, well, how i can sometimes be.
Also heres a side pic of the er, liquid furniture showing its jointery and its denizens. Not a good motion camera in my new fone, sigh.
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Thx! Hot damn i almost caught em not moving.>>1007661
hm that explains why danios never did that well in my tetra tanks in the past. Lying pet stores pushing doomed pets for wrong temps.
I remember an odd variety of unusual pleco here or there that did well in slightly cooler temps. All i really want is a handful of plecos to keep the place crispy and grow up with da fis.
Edit: also, thx for all the intel!
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I don't really know what to say lost...thank you. I really don't have any hard feelings against you. I feel like I had let my fear cloud my judgement at the time, but you know also, that exact reaction on my part was the reason that I was hesitant to be friends with you and I said my biases might get in the way.
I mean, ok, you got upset, but I doubt you were actually trying to cause me any real harm. But my fear of that type of behaviour made me think
you were, or could.
Sure, im more like a bull in a china shop. A slightly less confused bull, if still mad as a hatter.
Maybe more like someone you could say things to with less concern about alienation. If you wanted. No rush.
Turns out, im not really all that good at friendship anyway. Im more effective in strategic alliances. This is a support group right?
Ha, feel free to ignore me. I dont really need you to do anything. Im kinda happy ponyville day a little bit today. Nice thread.
*edit: i dont feel bad about you either and actually fear about my silly manuscript was a factor in how i behaved towards you. It can be surprising how big an impact that has especially when i add a hint of paranoid delusion to it.
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That means a lot to me. Thank you.
I gotta get to bed. Nity nite, dont let the bed bugs bite.
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Honestly I'm not sure if this thread will bump up or if it's on auto-sage, but I've been sitting here for a while trying to think of how best to talk about this.
I suppose I should start at immediate thoughts. I don't think by all means I've had a bad life so far. I've had my issues and my failures. I passed high school without issue just to drop out of college because I didn't understand anything, I couldn't ask for help, and I ended up trying to cheat and failed. Honestly I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do. I took computer science, but I felt like that was expected of me more than anything.
Anyway despite failures as such I still have a decent job. I make fairly good money so I have a place to live, food to eat. Feels like I should be generally happy with just that.
However I want to do more. I want to draw, and animate, and write, and podcast, and review, and so much more. But it's frustrating because I can't seem to do it. I can pick up the start okay and follow instructions, but it's like I run uphill without issue and then immediately hit a steep wall with little give.
It honestly doesn't help that at the same time I see people that do such amazing art, funny videos, quality animations. They can play games without issue, they can write stories that stir the imagination. It's the thing that drives me to want to do the same, but I can't. And then I ask myself why I want to do that in the first place. Honestly the answer to that worries me more.
The surface reason is simple enough. I want to be able to inspire like they do and encourage others to do amazing things as well. But... it seems to be more than that. I also want the recognition. The fame and the prestige. I want to be known, and admired. I think it's more... I want to be acknowledged.
Pretty much sounds like classic middle child syndrome. Maybe it is. But regardless I dip my hand in so many pots, try to do so many different things. I think my frustration is more like I can't even be adequate at it. I just don't feel all that good at anything. I can't draw a straight line in art. My writing is full of holes and a mess. My animations stilted and weird. Video editing is the same as a 10 year olds windows movie maker hack job. Even streaming I can't seem to get a good sides audience. I can't even get a double digit number. I feel lousy. dull. uninteresting. boring. stupid.
And when I try to be interesting it seems to go even worse. it feels weird, cringy, and off. I think it puts off people more. I feel more like I'm in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
There's been more than a few times I've felt like I should just shut off from the world because of it.
Even a few times I've debated taking myself out of the world.
I would get therapy, but honestly my insurance is questionable at best, and I'm worried about both the cost, the quality, and if I end up being committed or worse.
Anyway, that's about the brunt of it all. Some days are better than others, but really I just feel down and out of place in the world. Like I'm there as a nameless NPC and I can't even find a meaningful connection with my friends.
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Please dont interpret my cherrypicking as disregard for stuff i didnt mention here.
Sounds like you are doing it! Even though you feel inadequate. You are not shying away from giving it your effort. I couldnt write or draw for most of my life but its starting to seep in now.
Dont give up! And dont be so harsh in judging yourself. You dont have to be a genius to inspire others, and i promise youve inspired someone!
This image should make it all better (ha) Hugz!
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Well I am surviving. The problem is that I'm just surviving and that's it. Not really thriving, not going further or ahead. I just seem stuck and unable to progress.
True I am doing something and that's more than most. but it drives me crazy that it's just not going anywhere and along with everything else mentioned before I just... feel pointless
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Honestly I thought I did. There was a lot I did and do enjoy but not sure about love anymore. I mean I can enjoy things for a long time but it's also just easy for me to drop it and walk away. like I can't attach myself to anything
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Or maybe you just need a break from some things because they're not enjoyable that day for one reason or other.
You said you felt like you wanted to be acknowledged. There' certainly crafts that can do that for you, but while you're building yourself up to that point, asking friends for acknowledgement could help maybe? When was the last time you shared something you created, and the person you shared it with, really enjoyed it and let you know?
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Problem is that I do take a break from things. outside of work I feel like I barely do anything right now. I've tried changing up routines, trying to work out too and get more energy but I don't even have the drive to do anything anymore.
Well I do do that. I do make things here and there and get opinions and thoughts from friends but it's always the same general compliments, and when I put things out it's almost universally ignored or junked on, and honestly sometimes I don't know what's worse.
I think it's even more annoying that during the holidays I had some commissions done for a secret santa, and the receivers were incredibly delighted, and just amazed at it. I'm glad I got them something good, but it just... I never ever get a reaction even to half of something like that.
Hey, why don't I make another Writers Guild thread when I get home from work? I'm seriously lacking in motivation myself and it would help if I had someone else that was also wanting to get things done, and maybe we could just gently poke each other once in a while?
If you want, I could take a look at your writing and maybe offer some feedback or just even general support? I have been an on and off critiquer for some friends throughout the years, and I'm by no way an expert at it, but I have some sense of it at least, if that's something you might be interested in? And I wouldn't mind having someone critique my stuff too...would actually motivate me to have
something to critique in the first place >_>
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Well if you want you can go ahead and do so.
Honestly I don't mind you taking a look but at the same time I wouldn't be able to post like this. I'm posting anonymously as I don't want people to know who I really am.
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Sounds like you have a problem with your audience, not your art. It "delights" others.
No one knows more than i do, the pain of invalidation. Seek validation from those who are more willing to give it to you.
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Well I sincerely hope that things improve for you, and you are always more than welcome in this thread
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The problem with all that is I always keep getting told, or at least hear that I shouldn't be seeking validation from other and find it within myself.
Problem with all of that is even myself tells me I suck>>1013492
I do too. I'll definitely keep posting
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I think that's a little bit misguided, or misinterpreted. Finding validation in yourself is being happy with yourself, and a part of being happy with yourself is having friends and family that validate you. That tell you you are good and worth it, and your importance is just as important as everyone elses, and that you matter to them.
For some people it's easier to be happy and proud of themselves, but for a lot of people, we need another perspective, and love and acceptance from someone else.
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Maybe it is misinterpreted, but I feel like it's the better idea too. the problem with needing love and acceptance from others is that you'll always need it. and worse is I've had the people that I thought love and accepted me reject me outright. It single handedly destroyed all my self esteem in a moment.
I actually had a time I felt wonderful and great. I was happy, chiper. I was losing weight. I felt like I belonged somewhere and people loved what I did. Yeah it was unusual to most, but I was able to be myself still and just... so happy and positive.
That literally all changed over a week. my own personal security being invaded, and then my own family basically telling me to put it all away.
Even 7 years later I feel it. And now I feel like I'm in a horrible spin of wanting to feel love and accepted and unable to get it, but also terrified of receiving it as it could be so easily taken away. and the constant back and forth destroying me but I can't give myself my own acceptance because the voices of childhood and my loved ones making me feel like I don't deserve it.
Well, I'm not sure what happened to you anon, but from the way you talk about it, it doesn't sound like it was completely fair. And it sounds like it caused you to fear that type of relationship with people.
I don't know what the solution to that is, but I know it can be hard to trust people, especially when you've been hurt. But to not trust anyone ever again is almost harder. So maybe there's a balance? Maybe not open yourself up completely, all at once? And if it backfires, then at least you only gave so much of yourself that you could risk giving.
As far as deserving things or not, well I seriously doubt that you are somehow not
deserving of love. That seems pretty freakin silly to me.