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Anger. It sure is a thing! I think sometimes it serves an important purpose too. In the best situations it can be a powerful motivator for change. But I think you can still harness a will to change without being angry about it, right?
I've spent a lot of time trying to conquer my anger, to be at true peace with a lot of frustrating situations that might really upset most people. I have a history with anger in myself and my family. I want it out of my life ideally.
But lately, in a few separate instances, I've gotten a little angry. Nothing violent or destructive or anything, just bog standard angry I would say. I find that despite how hard I've tried to purge and suppress anger out of my life, I still have some triggers that really get to me. For instance, people misrepresenting me and not listening to me when I correct them, or people trying to limit or obstruct my agency, stuff like that. I think it's stuff most anyone would be upset about!
I've been thinking to myself, I really dislike being in an angry state. It doesn't feel like being "me" anymore. But, it'll be really hard to get over certain triggers for anger, they're pretty ingrained in me (maybe everyone even). And I'm wondering to myself, if when I get super pissy I'm not really violent or dangerous, is it worth it to try to cut out every last piece of anger from me, or should I just accept that anger is a part of the human experience and embrace that I will sometimes get reasonably angry?
What is everybody else's experience with anger? Do you think anger is always bad and you should always strive to never get angry? Or do you think certain anger is justifiable and maybe even good?
I'm curious how I stack up to other people in terms of anger. Despite certain times I've been truly pissy, I actually get some people being mystified by how I didn't get angry or upset in certain situations. I've made people angry on my behalf because I was too understanding and wasn't angry enough, lol. How often would you say you get angry? Do you feel you manage your anger well? Do you consider yourself an "angry person"? Is there anyone out there who never gets angry or frustrated at all?
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I believe some anger is healthy as a motivator, but I learned to disconnect from my emotions if I ever wanna kill someone.
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>>971858>people trying to limit or obstruct my agency
That's rather abstract. Can you be more specific?>>971858>should I just accept that anger is a part of the human experience and embrace that I will sometimes get reasonably angry?
I'd say yes. As long as you don't let the anger consume you, I think it's fine.>What is everybody else's experience with anger?
Recently I've been angry at Cloudflare.>Or do you think certain anger is justifiable and maybe even good?
Yeah, it can be good and spur to action.>How often would you say you get angry?
Occasionally. Especially when unsuccessfully trying to debug my code.>Do you feel you manage your anger well?
Yeah, pretty much. Occasionally I'll curse at my compiler under my breath.
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Oh anger and I are old friends. But I'm a larger stronger person so while displays of anger can be effective ways to get things that I want in my experiences early on there tend to be long term costs and as a matter of personal philosophy getting things for cheap devalues them. So I limit my uses of anger as a rather useful but heavily distorted windsock for my internal world, but one I keep in check in regards to my morals, values, objectives and preferences. So it's an essential tool that is useful but is very easy to misuse. To put it a different way I generally regard both displays of anger and excessive stoicism as signs of weakness of character. In that regard I occasionally regret not being a stronger person. Not much mind you. I don't enjoy regretting things so I try to avoid it.
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I’m confused. lol
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>>971858> How often would you say you get angry?
Once a month.>Do you feel you manage your anger well?
Not really.>Do you consider yourself an "angry person"?
No.>Is there anyone out there who never gets angry or frustrated at all?
I think that's an answer you will compile from responses.
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I think even though I've curbed it, I think I have some bad anger problems. It's led me to be spiteful towards people and violent towards animals.
I think that anger in some amount and in certain situations is healthy, but in my case it was and still is very unhealthy for me. At least in the way I handled it, and the way that I still struggle to handle it.
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>>971865>Can you be more specific?
OK sure. So this was a total misunderstanding, but I was talking to a friend about a topic they are an expert on and I'm a novice. And I'm trying my best to understand and learn but I'm not really getting a lot of the core concepts. And they say something like, "ah well, maybe these concepts aren't for you" which they meant in a manner that I might have different philosophical beliefs than those we were talking about, but how I took it was that they thought I shouldn't even try because I wasn't really getting those concepts. That they were implying I should give up because I couldn't do it. That ended up not being what they meant at all, but it really unnerved me enough that if I wasn't really good at managing my emotions, I would have said some very regrettable things in the moment. I ended up presentimg myself in a very graceful and calm manner (something like, "please don't tell me what I can and can't do, I'm a beginner trying my best") but was totally burning up on the inside in a serious way.
But yeah, limiting my agency. Not providing suggestions or guidance, but actually telling me what I should or shouldn't, can or can't do. Really boils my blood. I have a history of that, as a youngest child. I don't like people trying to control me.
The thing is, I managed my anger really well in a situation like that. But what scares me, is how fuckin angry I actually was under the surface. Anger, especially at the level I was feeling it, is pretty scary to me. So I don't know if, granted I can control it that well, whether it's actually a problem or just part of life. >Especially when unsuccessfully trying to debug my code.
Dude, I'm usually really good with debugging, but I had this showstopper bug that it took me a week of on and off debugging to finally crack. And by the end it was something really stupid that I'm embarrassed took me that long to find. I think, I was borderline frustrated, but all things considering, handled my emotions well. I feel good and proud when I don't have to manage my anger, but when I just didn't get angry in the first place.
>>971875>But yeah, limiting my agency. Not providing suggestions or guidance, but actually telling me what I should or shouldn't, can or can't do. Really boils my blood. I have a history of that, as a youngest child. I don't like people trying to control me.
I feel that very strongly too, and someone who was very close to me used to do it a lot. Mostly when I was trying to casually talk about goals or dreams I had, and they didn't think I should even try.
I showed my anger in those situations and it finally led to communication happening and opinions being understood and on some subjects changed.
Like, some things I felt like the person was just shooting me down and killing my dreams. I think I even said something along that same sentence at one point, in anger, and they opened up to me and explained why they thought it was a bad idea. And the reasons they had were solid and I did consider them and change my mind, but without them explaining, I would have just kept thinking they were only doing it to be pessimistic or keep me down.
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I think...what you're thinking of...is not what I was thinking of. Usually it's angry at myself for not being respectful enough.
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I just saw that episode with the kirin, part of what prompted me to make this thread!
It sounds like you have a lot of control, and value that kind of control over emotion. That's sorta how I feel as well. I try to have a lot of control over my emotions and not let them get the best of me. Though in terms of anger, I'd much rather have never felt it at all than have to control it. I feel like I can harness a little frustrated indignation for my purposes without actually being pissed on the inside, if you know what I mean. So being actually angry doesn't bring value to me I don't think.>>971867
Growth is good ^_^
I think I've come a long way since I was younger in being able to control and harness anger. But I don't think people in my family respect that or give me credit for it. Which ironically, makes me angry. I've really tried, and just cuz I'm pissy sometimes doesn't mean I'm as out of control with it as I used to be. >>971871
What happens that you feel you don't manage your anger so well?
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I haven't seen it yet. I just like them.
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A few times I've yelled at people. I wasn't rational or nice.
Sometimes I try to fix what made me angry. I guess that's not so bad. I am extra respectful and make sure others are too. Maybe they don't like it. Tell me to get off my 'high horse.' Doesn't matter, nobody can argue with respect, and everyone can be upset if respect requires it. That has to be good since respect is always good.
Sometimes I go away. I guess that's OK, too.
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Hmmm, what have you been doing to try to reduce and manage your anger?
I think I've cut a lot of the sources of anger out by embracing certain philosophical beliefs about the source of why people do certain things and how they may not be able to control the way they acted, as we at all victims of our circumstances. Things like that, and judging people on their intentions and not the result of their actions has helped me reduce how much I get angry. Still, there's some more egotistical reasons for anger that I find harder to diffuse and might just have to always just manage it.>>971877
Yeah, presentation is everything! There are ways to disapprove without causing strive, and ways to really burn me up. I always respect someone weighing in on my decisions and trying to help me make the right choices. But it gets upsetting when done wrong or carelessly. Communication is such a vital skill, and it's seriously so hard when everyone is a little different and needs things a different way.
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>>971887>Communication is such a vital skill, and it's seriously so hard when everyone is a little different and needs things a different way.
It is very hard.>Hmmm, what have you been doing to try to reduce and manage your anger?
Mm, well this is a case of "people don't changed, they are changed", and in this case it was moving into a household with people who held animals in a higher standard than just objects for entertainment. Since doing that, it has been a slow but steady moral climb of realizing how wrong I was, and a lot of being shamed for my actions. Which in this case I don't believe was a bad thing.
Usually I don't condone shaming people for things, but in my case I think I needed it to truly feel what I needed to feel and understand why the type of anger I got was wrong.
As far as what I've done and am doing to handle it, I started a few years back by letting my husband take the dog away from me and have him watch her for a while on days when I was feeling irrationally angry, and now I'm at the point where I can take a breath before I even get ramped up that high and understand that anger is in no way useful for the situation.
Also just started therapy. I'm hoping that will give me some better tools to handle it too.
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Personally I've found most of my internal peace in scheming and retribution.
I know I'm really lazy so really I'll only get half way through a plot for revenge before I decide that forgiving them is easy and I dismantle the whole thing.
Or not. Dismantling things is hard.
There are rooms I advise against going in. But you'll probably be okay by now. I doubt a spring can hold tension for *that* long before succumbing to stress.
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I'm usually frustrated.
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That's fine. I doubt I'd ever tell anybody about the shameful things I do in anger.
I mean. You know. I might. But certainly not here.>>971891
Hah. I'm sure we're both frustrated in the same way a lot.
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Mine aren't a secret, but they're more of a... high "respect" threshold.>>971894
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given my living situation when i was a kid up until young adulthood, i really had this hardline philosophy to "never be angry" with people, because whenever i showed any sort of anger towards others, it would hurt them, mostly towards my mom. So i tried my best to deny and diffuse any sort of anger that i had in every situation
didn't always work, and it would bottle up, give me headaches, and cause me to project my emotions in either more insidious or disasterous ways. i remember one time i randomly threw a friend of mine over my shoulder to the ground. they didn't do anything wrong, it just sorta happened.
later in life i learned from my own study and therapy that anger is a very natural and okay emotion to have. every emotion is a proper emotion, only actions have the risk of being right or wrong.
so in time i learned to instead of fighting my anger and denying it, to just let it do what it needs to do. and more importantly just avoid situations that cause me to be angry
instead of engaging in some heated debates, i just avoid and move on. i don't always have the luxury of that, but when i do find myself in those situations, i want to honor those feelings at the very least.
it's still not perfect. I have a tendency to overcorrect and to avoid topics at times, but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.
and when i see people do things that piss me off, i have techniques to help me process better.
and i feel more confident that when i do need to show anger, that i can do it much more controlled, without compromising the underlying feel
Hah. That sounds right, yeah.
Getting frustrated frustrates me the most.
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Man haven't I been there? Honestly I still have things on my transcript that I don't know how to explain without sounding like I'm making up excuses.
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>What is everybody else's experience with anger? Do you think anger is always bad and you should always strive to never get angry? Or do you think certain anger is justifiable and maybe even good?
Not unlike the Hulk, I am literally almost always angry, and that constant state of anger has set a new baseline that actually makes it quite peaceful, there are very few fluctuations.
Ah. Yeah, that died good and proper. Just another blank spot that can't be explained away.>>971910
I'd believe that!>>971897
Overcompensating is a bitch.
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Ah, I've felt that way before. It's good to recognize it, are you trying to manage it?>>971888>>971890
We shouldn't beat ourselves up for the way we're taught and raised. A healthy amount of shame is okay when we know we've done something really bad, but hopefully it isn't something that is consuming you. Learn and try to repent maybe and do your best moving forward. I feel like getting over my own personal shames has been the biggest step towards actually improving my life.
Thanks for sharing, I hope you keep taking strides in being the person you want to be!>>971889
I don't know whether I'd call it healthy, but scheming and plotting is a mechanism I've used in order to keep my cool. I try not to go there, but at the same time, I hardly feel like anything I keep within the confounds of my mind is harmful or immoral, so long as it stays there.>>971895
I think that being able to publicly own it is a really good thing! >>971897
That's some pretty good wisdom there star ^_^
It sounds like you've come far and figured some much out. Though I'm sure you'd say there's always so much left to learn too :3>>971910
Hey, whatever works :p
Got any good ones?>>971914
Oh! Different papers.
I've been through that cycle a bunch of times so I need more context.
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it really is!>hugs and kajis <3
sometimes there are people that say super problematic things around me, but i just can't bring myself to confront them ://>huuuuuuuuugs <3>>971915
thanks, although i wouldn't call myself wise all that much :PP but i appreciate it <3
anger is a natural emotion to denote that something has been violated in some way, and that somebody or something has caused it. even when nothing is truly wrong, the emotion that still happens is still real and needs to be observed and honored. otherwise it will stick around and fester
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I'm the picture of non-confrontation.>>971920
That certainly seems like me! Another thing in common, I suppose.
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then how about we team up and confront stuff together!
Wheat and Noelle! Partners in healthy confrontations!
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I'm heading out, nobody get too angry while I'm gone~>>971916
Actively? Not really. I am the kind of person that might decide he'll plot a way to completely ruin you, write your downfall through its entirety in my head, then be satisfied that your ruination is, thetorically, complete. I mean, once you've figured it all out in your head, what's the point of actually putting in the real effort of making it reality? The same problem I have picking up a new hobby like drawing. I feel like I've planned my way through becoming the best artist who ever lived, but now the whole executing it thing... I'm just so god damn lazy and I'm already the best in my mind so fuck it. Motivation is a bitch sometimes ;_;
Now, if we're also talking about scheming people's healthy improvement, I have a lot of those active! But that's boring stuff, who cares how much I'm scheming to promote comfort and healing in people :3>>971919>I wouldn't call myself wise^proceeds to say a bunch of wise stuff<3
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y'all are silly!>hugs and kajis <3
cya later! i'll probably be asleep when you get back :33
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Oh, that seems to go against my best interests.
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yeah! we'll be a pair of rebels!>pushes over soda can!
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You can rebel and I'll encourage you. How's that?
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hmm, i can work with that!
alright, what kind of encouragement you got?
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None. Rebellion should be internal, otherwise you're just following what I'm telling you to do.
Probably. I feel like I give context when required though.
I feel like I talk about myself too much, honestly. I don't know much else though.
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i rebel against you for rebelling against my request for encouragement to rebel>hugs and kajis <3
i really need to head to bed, so i'm gonna log off! goodnight <3
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The truth is.. I've sort of had a cold fury at just about everyone here. I'll spare trouble and change that to an "everyone" I interact with. And it's... I don't know, it's tricky to pin down. I certainly don't enjoy it. But who's to say what is what? Anger sadness frustration and loneliness all flow into each other marvelously. Utilities motivations and consequences can all be assigned to things after the fact. Neurologically memories get rewritten subtly each time they're recalled. The whole contraption is designed to optimize things it does a lot. Virtually every emotional action is the wrong one, with inaction being the worst choice. What's the right thing to do? Not have those problems. But that doesn't mean anything.
I hate everything. And that speaks to some disquiet I need to make sense of it. I might have reason to, but the reasons don't live up to my own standards for consideration.
I can't say if it's something to conquer or live with or make peace with or follow. It's an emotional impulse that defies logic. It will mean anything it wants to mean, and bluntly I doubt that any of us are meaningful equiped to unravel the... something. I've been meditating on this for a few hours again and it usually starts collapsing at this point. Too many trains of thought to follow and none going anywhere fruitful.
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Sounds like you could use a candy
Well you're a very smart guy, so whatever decision or path you come to, I'm sure it will be what is best for you and hopefully help you to feel content and happy
>>971865>Occasionally. Especially when unsuccessfully trying to debug my code.
I get angry debugging other people's code as well.
Sometimes I feel like doing a mic drop and leave the building, only instead of a mic drop it's my work's laptop out of the window of the 18th floor.
Not all of my material stuff survives without being accidentally being snapped in half.
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Sometimes you get mad, I hope you can get unmad as well.
We all smile sometimes anyway.
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The biggest problem of being angry around other people is that you just take out that on those around you.
Being a parent, this can be a severe issue.
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>But I think you can still harness a will to change without being angry about it, right?
>...just accept that anger is a part of the human experience and embrace that I will sometimes get reasonably angry?
>What is everybody else's experience with anger?
>Do you think anger is always bad and you should always strive to never get angry?
>Or do you think certain anger is justifiable and maybe even good?
Justifiable as any other emotion.
>How often would you say you get angry?
>Do you feel you manage your anger well?
>Do you consider yourself an "angry person"?
>Is there anyone out there who never gets angry or frustrated at all?
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To be honest I think i'm angry almost all the time, but just not surface-level. I guess resentful would be the better word, since I find that I often get moody about things that are nobody's fault but mine. I find it impossible to ask for help with anything, and get inexplicably pissed off when I see others getting it. My brain consciously knows that this is stupid, but I still feel the feeling. It's kinda like Mondo said, it's more a continual state of being rather than a feeling at this point. I've been writing about being mad at the world since I was like 14, it manifests in literally almost everything I do, particularly anything creative I try to do. All my music is depressing, and it saddens me a bit that I know i'll probably never get past it. Being the guy who plays the acerbic, bitter songs is fun at first, but starts to get pretty hollow. And it limits your creativity massively.
I'm mostly average at holding it back, I try very hard but i'm known to friends as someone that snaps, not something i'm proud of. I try my best not to let it get the better of me, because when I do snap at people, i can be a heartless prick; in fact, I still feel terrible about it because people have cried before because I blew up on them. I rarely bring it up to people when i'm pissed off about something they said, i'm far more likely to just distance myself and stop talking to them. I have very few people I could call actual friends, online and off, purely because I stop bothering or figure they don't like me in the first place anyway. I almost continually feel like people are judging me or staring at me or giving me dirty looks, and I openly don't try to be likeable because it's easier than making the effort and still being shrugged off. Sometimes I do think i'm not that pissed off all the time, but then i'll remember the times i've come home drunk and randomly flung something across the room because I was pissed off at something I can't even remember. Therefore I have quite literally had anger cost me possessions for stupid reasons, so yeah, I guess it's not the best situation.
There are things I will always be angry about, and that will never be changed. A lot of people I know are at a point in their lives where they are forgiving and forgetting, and I am still firmly in the camp of holding grudges from a decade ago for one-off rude comments, but it's just who I am so no point trying to do shit about it. There are worse things to be, I guess. I know it's an unlikable trait, but it's one that i'm most likely going to always have. I just do my best to avoid acting on it as much as possible around the people I actually like, because I don't want them not to like me and I know that I can be depressing and annoying to be around when i'm in that mood. I normally manage that well enough, at least so far. But anyone else, I honestly don't really care. I guess that's part of the problem. It's kind of impossible to never be angry though, so you might as well just accept it. As long as what i've described isn't the state that you find yourself in, you probably don't have much to worry about.
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Now that i think about it, i think my tendency to foray into the extreme through media is probably linked to my chilling out. I think there's a certain peace and stability you reach when you've conquered things like that. Now that i actually think about it, once i actually did start really diving into that sort of media, i mellowed out quick. Maybe just having a place to sit down and process all sorts of feelings you're not really allowed to feel with people like that in a safe environment is the key to managing emotions. If the anger has a place to be, a place where it makes sense and isn't destructive, then yea, it probably won't be as much of a problem in every day life.