No.1035882[Last 50 Posts]
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So uhh, I feel like some of you already know me... and some of you may not know me.
I guess we could call this an introduction(?) thread, but maybe also just a general "if you have questions" thread too.
I dunno, I guess it boils down to simply...
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Oh, hey, Z, I remember you.
How's it going? Enjoy Beastars? It's a pretty swell manga.
>>1035886>How's it going?
It's been alright, for the most part lately>Enjoy Beastars?
Yes, absolutely. Craving that next chapter.
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Good to hear. It's been miserably hot here.
Yeah, it ended a bit on a cliffhanger. I'm mostly annoyed there hasn't been more Juno in a while! I'm a sucker for ladies like her.
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Hello, don't think we've met. I'm Manley. I like super heroes and retro video games.
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I know that feeling, but more in the sense of Anything over 75 degrees is too hot
It would always be nice to see more content from the other characters, but sadly it seems like it's mostly Legoshi, Louis, and Haru. Not that I'm complaining mind you>>1035891
I feel like we've met in passing in the past there Manley, but never quite enough to remember eachother.
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Entirely possible! But now is our time to make it official! Who are you?
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Try 90 with a good 80% humidity to boot. I swear, I'm going to crawl up into the fridge one of these days...
That's always a problem with any good story, they get too many characters that are too interesting.
I want to see everyone! But, that means less time for the main people. And I want to see that too...
This is why I always liked spinoffs I guess. Follow around someone we met, but never really knew.
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I mean, I'm just me.>>1035896
It's going as good as I think it goes.>>1035897
Well there is the other series called Beast Complex
which would give some intrigue and info on the other characters.>>1035899
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Aye. Same here I suppose.
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Oh? I'll definitely have to check that out! First I've heard of it
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I mean, just call me Z.
I cook, play games, and other things.>>1035903
I mean, not much else to say really.>>1035905
Yeah, was Paru's first splash into the manga scene. Even features Legoshi in the first comic I believe.
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I'll for sure check it out then. Anything in the setting is good enough for me. I find the worldbuilding so interesting.
Anyway, I gotta head to bed in a bit. Good to see you again, odd as it might sound from someone anonymous.
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So let's say something else.>>1035910
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I mean, games.>>1035910
Uhh... like what?
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I got no idea man. My brain feels like I ate a kilo of rust.
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I mean, sleep is usually a good idea when one's mind starts to slip.
We'll see more of you, I hope?
I hope so.
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Hi, Hello, Welcome.
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Afternoon, and welcome to this little village with kind,cool,awesome people.
Hope that you will feel at home here,
Oh dear, seeing when you created this thread and how late my reply is make things kinda awkward. but again! welcome welcome
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Heya Z, welcome to the club
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Enchant to you too.>>1035927
Hello, Hi, thanks.>>1035928
Nothing awkward about saying hello, except maybe my own thread here saying hello.>>1035930
Hey Zeke, how're you doin?
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well i maybe more meant my awkward slow reply but i digress ^^;
Hello hello hello. howsit going at this fine hour?
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It goes about as well as it goes, and how about you?
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ah i see, well i hope that it can and will improve even sooner then.
eh, goes ok, nomming dinner and lurking here, and watching youtubes.
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Howdy Z. I've seen you around while I've been lurking but I don't think I ever had an opportunity to chat!
The thread seems a bit sparse on introductions so I'll go ahead. I'm wheat. I'm our resident "that guy from the place". I like politics, religion, and long political walks on religious beaches. If I could tell colors apart I'd wager that my favorite would probably be blue. In all seriousness I only like coffee and naps and coffee naps. Anyways I'm driving now so I won't be able to reply for the next couple hours, but it's a pleasure to finally formally meet!
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Apologize for the late replies here, I got sucked into binge watching Vinland Saga
and lost tract of time.>>1035934
I mean life is just life, not that it's bad or anything.>>1035938
Another name that I feel like I should know from a time long past.
Thank you for the introduction.
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And also with you.
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I thought only Jedi said that.kiddingkinda, but not really. Since I've heard the phrase "may the force be with you" responded with "and also with you". ha
Catholics are basically real world Jedi.
They even have a council of old guys wearing dresses.
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Yeah, but their leader isn't some green space midget.
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But I don't like lizards
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But wouldn't a counter crusade be a crusade within?
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Oh! I should watch that one. I read the manga and I enjoyed it.
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I watched it due to it being highly recommended and also cause I should have watched it before and finally got around to watch it.Speaking of which, I should watch Attack on Titan again
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Hey Z, long time no see. How are things going?
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Greatness or not, I'm probably not gonna do something I don't want to.
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Not too bad, how about you?I need to get like a journal or something to keep these names
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Did Joan of arc want to do whatever she did? She did it anyway though.
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Wasn't Joan of Arc burned at the stake?
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Not too bad is not too bad.>>I need to get like a journal or something to keep these names
You're not the Z that used to post in the HAY, back in the day?
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Nope, I'm the depressing old joke that's existed since 2012 on these sites.
Apologizes if I'm not who you expected.
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But see, I'm not fireproof.
Or even fire resistant.
Also I don't have the power of god and anime
on my side.
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Hahaha, no apologies needed Though I'm still not sure that you're not who I'm talking about
Excuse my forwardness but what makes you a depressing old joke?
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Well, it would probably help that I never posted in the HAY threads, ever.>What makes you a depressing old joke?
My mental state, life experiences, and overall attitude of life. I meant that I am a depressed individual who's like a broken record. Perhaps not the best way of saying it in the first place.
Joan of arc is an anime now?
I did once find a manga of the Bible once.
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Definitely for Vinland Saga
, as for Attack on Titan
, ehh... I know it's not quite everyone's cup of tea.>>1035971>Joan of Arc anime
Haha, actually there is one.
It's called Ulysses: Jeanne d'Arc and the Alchemist Knight
to the best of my knowledge.
Never seen it myself though, so no idea if it's good or not.
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Oh, I see. You've been having a hard time. What makes you not-too-bad now then?
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>>1035973>What makes you not-too-bad now then?
Ah ha ha... nothing?
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Oh, well then I guess I'm just better at hiding my misery nowadays?
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My friend wants me to watch it anyways so we'll see if I enjoy it!
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Well I hope you enjoy it
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Hello Tracer, how's life?
Hopefully not too bad and/or stressful
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As opus sang it best, life is live!
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>>1035982>You like anime?
Kinda, depends on the show.>You like Beastars?
Yes, to both manga and anime.
This is one of the first manga that I've actually kept up with as they drop new chapters.Speaking of which, a new chapter was finally translated today>>1035984
Life is live?
Sounds kinda like a "I think, therefore I am"
However, opus made it more with a punch.>
but i guess your right.
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A personal matter has been keeping my emotional state rather in the negative. And it will probably be quite some time until things return to normal.
Depends on the show? Haha, I know that. I have found anime to be very hit and miss lately Lately being the last decade or so
. I've seen the first two episodes of Beastars and don't really know what to make of it, though it is the show that I'm currently engaged in. Is the manga much further ahead than the show? Sometimes keeping up with the manga is just better but it is annoying to have to wait for translations.
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Quite a few old faces popping up for this thread, ey? You must be a popular fellow!
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Z is a pretty decent guy. Unfortunately his biggest critic is himself.
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>>1035986Another reference to something I don't know, guess there's gonna be a lot of those>>1035987
Damn, sounds stressful as hell and though I know you don't express to other people all too often or ever
I'm willing to listen if you want to vent.
Doing better, adopted the dog I've been sheltering, and working on keeping my spirits up with activities and less drama in general.>>1035988
The anime takes about 4 episodes until you get hit with that hook moment.
The manga is about 4-5 story arcs ahead of the anime, and the anime covers about 2 arcs.
Though I'm excited as hell as to how they handle the season 2 episodes, cause it's still my favorite arc in the series.Though this current arc definitely has my interest>>1035989
Well, either I'm popular HA!
or disaster tends to follow me.
Guess we'll see which one of those is right.
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nah,nah, no reference. just thinks it´s a good
80´s song. ^^; simple as that.
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I've caught that in my lurkings, yeah.>>1035991
Doesn't it follow us all?
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4 episodes, you say? Good, because I want to like it, mostly because I can't find anything to watch on netflix and I want to enjoy something. Is there even gonna be a season 2?
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I appreciate it.
Good plan. Keep it up.
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Taking an awful lot of liberties there, aren't you?/s>>1035992Huh, pink text too.
Seems there are a lot of secrets I need to learn>>1035993
Well, if my history has anything to say about it I'm either more prone to it or I'm like a disaster magnet.>>1035994
Yeah, ep 3 is great but ep 4 helps tie in how and why characters are who they are.
Yes, confirmed season 2 at the very end of the first season but it got pushed back to Feb 2021 due to COVID-19.>>1035995
Trying to, haven't failed yet
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Ah, that depends on which way uhm that "^" is pointing, and need to be at a new message.
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You'll have to trust my opinion, as someone looking from the outside in.
It's only failure when you give up. Never give up, never lose.
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Huh.^Testing>Testing again<Testing once again
v Testing again, for once>>1035999>Trust
Another big presumption there chief. Though, I'm flattered.
What if my body gives up before my spirit, cause that's kinda happened before.>>1036000
Hopefully, but I have confidence since it was delayed more so the employees could have time to take care of family and whatnot and not delayed cause they couldn't work on it.
Though I might have heard the wrong thing.
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Take better care of your body.
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>>1036004>Take better care of your body
Well, yeah... but my body feels like it has a mind of it's own.
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Now who's making presumptions.
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Well, I mean it does have a mind of it's own.
It's mine.And it's shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
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3 out of 4 aint too bad.>>1036014
True, anything can happen since the future still is yet to be written
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Something to share?
Regardless, it's nice having more company until the next crisis.
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Probably not the place or time to share stories of sad, bad times.
That's true, company to share things and whatnot.
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that´s a pretty good score!
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Well it's passing>>1036022
Uhh, for the anime or the manga?
Cause if you want the manga, you can start here https://mangadex.org/chapter/11636/1
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Quite understandable! Some pleasant conversation is what typically does me more than any venting.
But you're both free to let it out whenever, you know.
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>>1036025>free to let it out whenever
Haha, nah. For the betterment of this community and myself, not to mention overall attitudes, I'd rather not.
Especially since my "dirty laundry" shouldn't be air'd out here.
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i would love to stay and chit chat some more.
but alas, it´s like 4:11 am. so i should get dressed and ready for a new workday.
again, wishing you to have a great one and hope to see more in future ( if chu wants )
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Oh, well the manga releases on Thursday I believe, but it takes a few days for translations to get through.
So the translation usually doesn't drop until Sat-Sun-Mon most of the time.
Anime has only 12 episodes, and they should all be available now.>>1036030
Best of luck to your day's activities.>hope to see more in the future
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That's fine too! I trust your judgement.
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I think I'll pass on the it. Joan form Clone High will remain my only animated rendition of her.
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Joan as a high schooler!
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Besides, that's kinda how I ruined a lot of other relationships/friendships in the past.
Nah, I believe it's a Netflix branded anime for the most part so it'll be in it's library for quite sometime.>>1036036
Probably a good idea, considering I haven't heard anything of it so how good could it be?
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So-so I guess. What's new with you?
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Debating if I should post again.
More I think about it, the more I don't really feel like I should.
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Huh? No, not talking about here.
So far, this place is much more like the site I remember back in the day.
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hey Z! nice to meet you! i may not remember your name, but you might remember my old name of Amonisis ^^
>hugs and kajis <3
hope you are well tonight ^^
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>>1036062You're giving my memory quite the credit it doesn't deserve
I'm doing alright, how are you?
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no harm no foul ^^ i only ask in case you were from waay back in the day ^^
i'm good! just got done with a productive session of animal crossing ^^
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what about you? playing any new games?
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I mean, I remember the time and people I interacted with back in 2011... but I doubt any of them are still around.Or even that they're using the same names
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i may have seen you back then! i was on ponychan back in 2011, so our paths may have crossed for all we know ^^
what have you been up to since then? 9 years is a lot of time!
I could swear she was a character in other animes.>>1036051
No worries, Z! No need to be uncomfortable about anything.
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Well... I was thinking about playing something else besides the usual garbage I end up playing.>Fallout 76>>1036071
Making many bad decisions with people, places, and my own personal life.
And also found a enjoyable skill in cooking.>>1036072
But I'm uncomfortable about everything.
All the time.
Never with a moment's rest
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i never played fallout 76, i heard it got panned on release, but went through quality of life changes. is it good now? i know mondo likes that game a lot ^^
i'm sure there were also good decisions with people and stuff in your life as well. such as the cooking!
what do you like to cook the most?
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It's much more like a proper Fallout game now that there are NPCs in the game, along with other more interesting questlines.
I find it much more fun to play by myself, since there are actual NPCs to talk to and do ally quests for.
Nope. Both parents are dead, I've been hospitalized 4 times, heart replaced, declared twice, and suffering from clinical depression.
Whatever seems to be an interesting recipe at the time, I'm not too picky.
Like today was country ribs, grilled sweet corn, homemade german potato salad, and shrimp with a homemade cocktail sauce.
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Well then no need to make it worse unnecessarily!
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well that's good! it's hard to imagine fallout without the world and characters inside of it. glad you are enjoying it ^^
oh wow... that is quite a lot of bad stuff that has happened. I'm so sorry to hear all of that. I can't imagine how awful all that must have been...>country ribs>grilled sweet corn>german potato salad
oooh that all sounds delicious <3 ugh i could definitely go for some ribs <3>>1036078
hey wheat <3
?hugs and kajis <3
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But that's my middle name.>>1036079
Yeah, it's something to pass the time.
Dad wanted me dead, Mom didn't seem to care either way, heart was going bad due to malpractice, and I've had depression since I was 16 just never was properly disagnosed.
It turned out pretty good. Could have been better though, corn wasn't ripe it seemed.
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i spent 2 days carving a giant face into my island on animal crossing. i actually like how it turned out ^^>pic related
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that stuff must weigh pretty heavy on the mind. with the intensity and multiplicity of the things that have gone down, it's pretty amazing that you are still going along and doing what you are doing <3
i would love to give your cooking a shot <3
sounds wonderful <3
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Some people say I'm strong for keeping going.
I see myself either too stubborn to stop, or too stupid
You and a few people it seems.
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those things often run parallels, so i can see why you would see the overlap ^^
however my perspective is that we all will die eventually, so there is no need to rush something that is inevitable. you've survived through a lot of stuff that would take great people down. whether your believe in fate or chance, you are alive, and from here until that eventual end is up to you to decide.
and if that includes cooking, then count me in ;33
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Then do that and say you did it on purpose!>>1036083
Nice! Is it a pike?
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She's a wolf actually!
her name is Skye, and she is the Daisy to my Gatsby
Ooh! It's her!
You seem to like her
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Yeah, we all die eventually but I will say at times it sometimes feels like I shouldn't have be alive now due to my actions, nor should I be alive in the first place.
Well, if it ever comes to a time when I can cook for other people then you are more then invited.
Just as anyone else is.
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i know that the chances of getting her are completely random, but i hope that my actions will not be in vain!>>1036090
with what you been through, i can only imagine that those thoughts would be very strong in your mind at times. and if you need somebody to talk to, i'd be happy to listen, even if i don't have any substantial help for you in the moment
and great to know! i'll leave a space open on my calendar ^^
what is something you haven't cooked yet, but would love to try to cook?
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*sigh* Well, I appreciate it. However, I'm now doing what I just told Wheat I wouldn't do.
Again, I'm up really for anything to try and make it. Be it small and simple, or exotic and complicated.
I've done Pork Wellingtons, Beef a la mode no, there is no ice cream involved
, Fresh Lobsters poached in an herb butter, Scallops Coquilles St. Jacques
, and others as well.
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hehe, you are such a rebel then, Z ;33
it's cool to see you are so open minded on making some new dishes! i love trying all sorts of exotic things!
and i don't know half of what you just said, but i want it all in my mouth right now!
anywho, hate to duck out now, but it's late for me, and i need some sleep ^^>hugs and kajis <3
goodnight wheat!>hugs and kajis <3
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Who cares! Do it anyways.Been there some. Not all of it but a thin sliver.>>1036098>>1036092
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>>1036098>I don't know half of what you just said
Well, I'll see if I can quickly describe each dish without going too in depth.<Pork Wellington
It's a pork-loin that is seared(cooked quickly on high heat) on all sides before brushing on dijon mustard and wrapping in capocollo(Italian dried ham, cut thin). Then a mushroom puree is added to a puff-pastry, which wraps everything again, quick egg wash(brushing of only an egg yolk) and baked in the oven until cooked.<Beef a la Mode A la mode meaning "in the style of", or "in style"
Large but of beef, usually a roast of some kind, in a dutch oven with celery root, carrots, bits of diced ham/bacon, and stock/seasoning. Think a fancier looking pot roast.<Lobster poached in herb butter
Quick boil a freshly killed lobster, break it down(claws, legs, tail), extract the meat in whole pieces (if you can), then submerge in hot butter seasoned with herbs for only a minute or so, served hot. I like mine on a hot-dog roll.<Coquilles St. Jacques
Another French dish, which involves sea scallops, mushrooms, shrimp, and a thick cream sauce made from the cooked drippings of everything. Then put into a ramekin(small ceramic dish, typically used in creme brulee) topped with Gruyere cheese and broiled in the oven for 1-2 minutes to have a nice crust on top. Delicious, if not time consuming.
Hope that helps.>>1036099
Nah, if I start going down that path I tend to not be able to stop and get myself and people around me upset. So better to "nip it in the bud" and end it quickly, thus preserving good times had by all.
Plus, I have a professional to listen to my complaints anyway.Well I mean, it's not a competition to see who has it worse. Cause who would want to win that?
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MY QUESTION IS
can I hang out in here I am bored
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I mean, why not?
Not like there's any kind of restriction, and any of the threads I've made in the past tend to be "come and talk/chill" kinda threads.
I'm not good for focused conversation, as my mind tends to wander.
"A mind is a terrible thing to let wander off" or something like that.
But yeh, I getcha. I never really get ideas for focused threads myself and ust kinda hang wherever.
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I mean considering that most topics tend to devolve into another topic altogether, it seems silly to try and keep any sense of topic at all in these threads.
That is unless the topic is actually about something.
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Tis the nature of conversation!
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Shame I'm not much of a conversationalist myself.>>1036162
Well, I'm just an amateur cook who enjoys trying to replicate recipes I find.
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I mean that I don't quite have any of the proper finesse to put some of these recipes together.
Like, the cooking part I have down I think
It's the plating, presentation, and even garnishing that I have much improvement to do.
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Well alright, just wish I could bring more to the table so to speak
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Me on my someone has a flair for the culinary.
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I do that in my sleep anyway.
But Hello Z.
Don't let my hype squad fool you I'm not that great I just have a bit of schooling and work in restaurants behind me.
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Waiting for one job to end and another to begin while crossing my fingers that the mouse messages me soon.
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Huh, Shokugeki no Soma>>1036173
I just do cooking, no real experience in the food service industry, and most of the time I just cook what I'm feeling. Sometimes high culinary dining, but also sometimes garbage plates of things that shouldn't exist.Like making pizza out of partially cooked ramen noodles as the crust
ALl the best hopey hopes
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The stomach wants what the stomach wants.
Cooking how you feel is how you get great dishes. >>1036179
They are submitting a proposal for phase one reopening tomorrow.
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Yeah, but now I'm self-conscious about my cooking... cause I don't want it to seem like I'm as good as I'm making it seem like I am.
Food is an act of love. Treat it as a sharing of love with others.
Don't worry I don't bite
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I just see what I end up cooking to look really good, up until I start thinking about it.
Then comparing it to other people's dishes, and as time goes on I just see my dish as like a poor example and... well, in the end I'm the worst critic to myself.
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It's a Z.
Aren't we all?
Trust me when I say that I want to destroy the majority of my dishes once I finish planting.
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It is a me.I am not the same guy from the HAY thread>>1036188
Still, your plating probably looks great compared to mine.
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It take a lot to get plating down.
I'm not the best at it but we get better every day.
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After reading through the thread, I'd come to that conclusion. You don't quite
phrase sentences like he does. That, and your response to Runbow a bit later which confirmed it. You two do share being extremely self critical, though.
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Sorry to disappoint, I'm just a guy who's overly critical of himself all the time
Mainly cause of past actions.
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I get paid to make it pretty so I have most likely a bit more practice than you.
Don't worry about plating as an amateur yet, develop your palette and knife cuts.
Uniformity is important to not only cooking but to plating
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No disappointment, just clarification!
Those will happen. Sometimes more than others! Alas all I have to offer without more information are platitudes, and my guess is you've gotten all those and I don't like giving them.
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I mean, taste is king, but if it looks like a mess on the plate it kinda kills the appetite.
I have gotten much better at my knife skills as time has gone on, and last year at Christmas I got myself a nice chef's knife and a proper sharpening block.
I think my biggest issue in the whole thing is that I'm just bad at plating, ha.>>1036196
Well, I am filled with mostly useless information.
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It's all buttered buns and platitudes in here
Such as? >>1036202
Wow rude. Rude dude. Coming in, stirring that pot.
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Chef Dawn and Chef Z are the ones stirring pots.
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You're roughly 13% more likely to die on your birthday.
Fingernails grow faster on your dominant hand.
A "jiffy" is an actual measurement of time, it's one trillionth of a second (1/1000000000000).
If you plug your nostrils, you can't differentiate the taste between an apple, potato, or onion.
The guy who invented Pringles is actually buried in a Pringle's can. It's his ashes mind you.
The average human produces roughly 14 oz or poo a day, which equals almost 6 lbs a week.
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Nice to see you around here.
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hi Z!!! ni hao!
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My internet died last night.
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Hello there Hispanon
Hope all is well with you.>>1036319
And hello to you MoonyAlso the real Moony I assume
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...it is so unfortunate that there is this fake Moony copying me, for all these years.
but you can tell it is the real me by my "i love you too much" trip code!
how are you Z? are you well today?>>1036423
Hi Samonuh! Welcome to Ponyholics Anonymous >>1036403
hisper crisper hi!! <3
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My name is Samonuh...and I'm...addicted to ponies.
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Hello there Samonuh.>>1036424
It is a shame, but it is also something that I just wanted to check on to be sure.
I'd hate to make the mistake of thinking you're someone you're not.
I'm doing alright, feeling kinda down (sick wise) and planning what to make for dinner tonight.
Probably some kind of stir-fry with shrimp.
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hai samonuh :c >>1036444
...feeling sick, huh? i'm sorry to hear that. a stir-fry with shrimp sounds yummy! mmm c:
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Just a slight tickle in the back of my throat, probably due to allergies or the fact that apparently I snore.
I've never heard it, but I guess I never would.
Yeah, something a tad lighter then what I had yesterday.
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...i hope it's not... you know what. what did you have yesterday, z?
i am not sure what i will eat today. i forgot to eat lunch, so i only had coffee.
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Hi! I hope you've been surviving!
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Ehh, if it is then I'd be in much worse wear then I am now.
I'm rather secluded as well, and making sure to follow proper procedure with wearing masks out in public, washing my hands, and keeping mys distance from people.
And if worse comes to worse, I'd admit myself to the hospital if I wasn't carted off there already.
I had some weird calzone recipe I found, not bad but I made way too much. I've got about 5 of them in the fridge
Well make sure you eat something, shouldn't go all day without at least something in your body.>>1036467
I'm surviving as well as I can, which is at least a bit more comfortable then I had been.
How're you doing there BMO?
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I've been living. It's been... a time for me.
Living truly alone for the first time and having picked the time when I wouldn't even be able to explore the this new city, meet no one.
But, I'm alive and able to afford living here, so, I guess it's... not the worst. I just FEEL really down a lot. But, just feeling down isn't so bad while I'm still surviving.
I'm glad you're comfortable. I'm comfortable too. Mostly. I kinda wish I had a couch maybe... maybe more carpets for my tile floors.
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Well, can't really expect a global epidemic to hit and try and meet people before it.
I'm sure you're not the only one looking to reconnect with people once this gets to a more manageable point.
I'd be lying if I said this whole quarantine hasn't affected my mental health, but as time has gone on I've come to a better understanding of who I am and trying to deal with my problem areas.
May I suggest a nice pair of slippers. I bought a pair last Dec and it has been one of the best investments I ever made.
If I may, might I suggest 'Dream Pairs
' branded slippers. They're the ones I own and now 5 months later they're still as comfortable as when I first bought them.
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That's true... And, I certainly was trying. Just... failing as well.
Yeah, there will be many people looking to just... interact with humans after all this.
That's good to hear! I'm glad to hear you're finding ways to cope even in these times! I wish I could say the same, but, I haven't seen a therapist in months.
Oooh, nice. I have this problem with my ankles that crops up when I work out or just walk and hard floors a lot, so, I've been wearing my big dumb shoes with nice insoles while inside. But, maybe just a soft cushion between my feet and the floor is what I need for normal walking. Something to help with weight distribution. Plus, when I do work outs, I do have a nice 1 inch thick mat, so I'm safe from my heavier impacts.
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Well if it's any consolation, I don't really have anyone like that either. My human interactions are now solely online for the most part.
Kinda sucks, but... school's out and I can't quite just go to the park and strum up a conversation with strangers.>Haven't seen a therapist in months
Ditto, it sucks. I tried just using one of those "mobile therapist" things where you text and whatnot, but I kinda felt there was a potential for some serious privacy issues there.
So instead I just scream at birds, they don't say much back.Nah, I just try to find an outlet for most of my issues. Cooking helps.
It might do you good, especially if you get a nice pair and not some cheap pair that end up losing all cushion within the first month.
Anything memory foam is absolute garbage, from my experience.
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Yeah. I do at least get to talk to my coworkers. I have the structure of daily work that hasn't stemmed, so, that's good... ish. I don't have time for "Growth," but I also don't have as much time to fall apart.
My old therapist actually checked up on me. He knows he can't do much, but it was nice to be in someone's thoughts.
For now, I just crawl into my room in the dark and sometimes cry. Then talk my self back up. Being aware you're being mean to yourself is the first step to stopping being mean to yourself, after all!I can only cook things in a pot. Or bake them. But, I have nothing to bake. So, it's mostly things I can make in a pot for now. But, cooking is still nice.
I bet. Memory foam is not meant to support full human bodies doing things. People laying down is one thing, but the wear and tear of walking would grind it up. I nice pair with thick rubber would do. I've seen thick rubber bottomed slippers every once in a while. Maybe I could make slippers from my work out mat XD
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It is nice to be patted or held sometimes...
Especially when it's been a very very long time since either.
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How is your work going anyway?
I know you're working for a specific company that I've asked about before.
I know the feeling of a good cry, I'd just like to feel some kind of relief from crying. Ah well.
I get into arguments with myself a lot, but mostly on "No, don't eat that. Your heart won't be able to take it
" or "We need to eat something, my god man
Well, start small and work yourself up to more complex things. Start with chicken, and eggs, and if you can get those down pat then a lot of the rest of cooking will come much easier.
Don't sacrifice your mat for just some nice slip on footwear.
But yeah, a nice rubber sole and support is just as important as comfort and warmth in one's footwear.>>1036485
Sorry, I might be going on again here.
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That's okay. I wouldn't want to derail everything with my complaints and whining. But, it's nice that sometimes I can complain about dumb things in life...>>1036488
Work is going well! I've been getting a bit overwhelmed but, things are okay. I can't complain getting a steady paycheck and working on video games that I actually play.
I know how to cook eggs. And I've got spices for chicken. I just don't know the ins and outs of shopping in the city. And the last times I went to a bigger store, I was going to hang out with a friend and didn't want to be like "Can you store my meats while we play board games?"
I'm not the best at cooking chicken, but I've got some spices XD
Eggs are pretty straight forward, which is nice. I don't have a pan for a light fry, but I can boil an egg with the equipment I have right now.
That's true. I shouldn't sacrifice the mat. Stores have been sold out on good workout gear for weeks!
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These are some rolled and stuffed flounder we did before the lock down
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We're mouthwatering now.>>1036510
Coffee's good, but with this heat,
we're into slushies lately.
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I was the defacto pastry chef.
It's hot there too?>>1036521>>1036517>was
Like you'll ever stop
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I will be THE.
Not the Defacto.
Also the old place went belly up last I heard
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>>1036526>the one before last
I guess anything can stay open if you throw enough cash at it.
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Damn, that looks really good.
A lot better then what I made for dinner tonight especially.>>1036511Boston Cream Pie?>>1036517Ahh... some kind of cream soup with dots of olive oil?>>1036521Strawberry, Whipped Cream, and a buttermilk biscuit?>>1036523Deep fried fish sliders?
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We shudder in astonishment.
It'd be a crime to drop a spoon in that!>>1036522
Blazing, we've been drinking 4 bottles of water outside and its not enough!
Although, ever since we experienced heat exhaustion, the heat hasn't bothered us.
Its our new super power.
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>>1036533>being really hot is a super power>>1036528
Aah. Yep, that'll do it.
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Although I've heard you have a heart issue, are there any physical activities you like to do?
We used to do indoor rock climbing, but since the close we've found new love for rollerblading.
I've found them not too strenuous AND therapeutic.>>1036534
lol never thought of it that way.
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It's serendipitous that you're avataring best boy Legosi. I was using him for a while, I love Legosi. But I just found some new excellent characters and this a great time to try posting with them.
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Well, I had my heart replaced if that's what you're asking.
In terms of heart health, well I just do a lot of cardio really.>>1036541
Well post away.
I'm still committed to posting as Legosi seeing as I've got a folder of about 1700+ images.And still growing
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Legosi is pretty good but I like a flair for drama.>>1036538
It's what you said!
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Oh ok, well I was more asking about what do you like to do outside.
Unless you've been avoiding that/>>1036546
I think its resulted from us turning cold blooded.
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That's some serious dedication to Legosi! I have like, fifty images or so. They're like, a pretty good fifty images tho.
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You should have something warm to heat your blood back up.
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Louis is a lot of fun too, I think he suits you ^_^
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i found a centipede on the wall :DD
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Well I mean, can't really go outside much nowadays.
But, before all of this I enjoy going for hikes in the woods and enjoying most of nature.>>1036548
They're all caps from the manga, and I kinda stagnated around the end of the 2nd Major arc. No spoilers in terms of story that is
Even go through with clearing as much of the text on the page as I can so it's just an image.
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I have a flair for the dramatic.
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I could think of a few things that'll warm me!
People always ask me, "aren't you hot in that sweatshirt?"
I tell them no.>>1036552
EEEeek! Its hideous!
But you should let bug-a-boo go!>>1036553
Ah I see, I could imagine you feel pretty alive in nature, being a wolf and all.
I hope soon you can be free again and howl at the moon once more.
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>>1036558>being a wolf and all
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don't worry, i let the little guy go, but it was sorta surprising to just see him walkin down on the wall
i like centipedes for sure, so i like lookin at them when i get the chance ^^
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Do you feel you have a special affinity to Legosi? I felt like certain qualities of him resonate a lot with me. >>1036554
It's true, when I think of drama llamas, you're at the top of my list!>>1036552>>1036563
They're a cutie!
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you're a cutie!>hugs and kajis <3
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How's your night Noelle?
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Did i just assume your species?!
We admire all insects, but Spiders won't spring to life and run towards you!
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Well... quite a few things actually.
However I'd rather not go into details because a lot of things aren't revealed through the anime.
And I know a lot of people haven't read through the manga.>>1036571
Well, I could go into details on how that's actually incorrect but again, I'd rather not spoil if I can.
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Oh dang, Im vulnerable to spoilers.
I suppose we should do something about that.
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my night is good! i found Helltaker on recommendation, and i downloaded it and had a blast! It was extremely short, but it was free, so i got what i paid for. i did buy the artbook and pancake recipe, cause the developer deserved it
i also played a ton of animal crossing today. i'm boosting my island up, made the Skye Cafe (wip), and it's coming along pretty well. I love Flick btw, he's my favorite non-villager character outside of Isabelle
i went on a run and also help jump a friends car. so that was fun!
How was your day btw?>>1036571
never got jumped by a centipede, plus they eat pest insects too ^^
speaking of spiders! there is a big spider in the corner of my room that has been getting their fill of bugs, and it's been kinda trippy watching it catch and eat the prey. but the rest of my room is insect free, so it's a trade off ^^>hugs and kajis <3
how are you dragoni?>>1036572>hugs and kajis <3
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Well you could read the manga, and not get spoiled on anything anymore.>>1036575
Hello there, how's your day going?
Try filling your pockets with hot coals!>>1036567
As I should be
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That's fair. I watched the anime and I just decided to go through the manga recently. Only got a few chapters into that so far. Got so much shit to do, barely have time to squeeze in everything I'd like.>>1036575
Ooo, cute. That looks fun. Might look into it.
Ha, and I thought you were too hardcore for animal crossing! Looks like you've caught the AC fever. I'd like to come see your work once you are done putting it together ^_^
My day was alright. Got some work done for the job. I played some board games with Andrea. I put together this avatar set because Lola and Sugar are total qts and I love them to pieces. And, Andrea and I have been watching Avatar the last airbender. She hasn't seen it ever and it's back on Netflix, so I kinda forced her to watch it :p
All and all, pretty good. Better than yesterday. Yesterday I shattered my phone screen and put a hole in my apartment wall (separate incidents). That was fun.
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The next chapters after where the anime stops is probably my favorite arc in the series.
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I'll look forward to it! If it's even better than the anime, I know I'll love the hell out of it.
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good! i played helltaker today, paid for the artbook, played animal crossing, avoiding a villager to prevent her from leaving and forcing somebody else out, went on a run and kung fu, helped jump a friends car who was stranded, and i ate some tacos and a chocolate muffin!
how about you? how was your day?>>1036580
it's very cute! super simple premise, a guy wants a demon girl harem and goes to hell to do so, and you solve puzzles to convince them to come ^^
and while it's heavily implied that naughty things go on, the game designer made absolute sure to showcase the cute inbetween parts of just enjoying their characters ^^ Cerberus is my favorite girl.>picture of her
it wasn't that i was too hardcore, i was more afraid that i would be bored out of my mind with nothing pushing me forward. but fortunately there is actually things to strive for and an actual sense of progression! so instead of being a waste of 60 bucks, it turned into a very quality investment ^^
sure thing! i got a pic of my sky island if you'd like to see!
hows the job treating ya after this long? i LOVE avatar the last airbender! ATLA and Legend of Korra are two of the best cartoons ever made <3
and it was an added connection for me when i first watched it, cause it was still airing, and i was a year into my kung fu training, and the fact i got 3 of the 4 bending styles made me feel just shy of the avatar <3
it's a must watch for everyone!!!
oh no! i'm sorry those things happened! i hate breaking screens and putting holes in walls!>hugs <3>>1036578>hugs and kajis <3
hey wheat ^^
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Well we have nightmares of basement big city critters. There cute, just don't touch me in a surprise!
Thats really cool! We also watch and admire spiders and their work! Although I can't say I've had one linger around me too long.
We feel fractured, but whole now.>>1036576
We usually watch the anime instead when it comes to that, would you say the manga is better?>>1036578
I think that'll just make us dance in place awkwardly!
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Cerberus is totes adorbs!
Hey, well I'm glad it worked out so well for you! There's a lot to do in that game if you seek it out. I just paid off my final home loan and I'm probably wrapping up the time I am going to spend on the game. Like, I don't care to custom design the island. I've had a lot of fun putting together a set of outfits, and I might put a little more work on my house if I can get some good furniture, but I don't need to fill in the museum or deck out the whole island. I'm not super invested in that kind of thing.
The job is going well. It's been difficult ramping up to a new way of doing things being remote from my teammates. Like, I literally have never even met the people I work with in person once! It's been stressful trying to figure everything out. Like, maybe you can imagine the level of complexity required to service 2.6 billion users. It was nothing like my dinky company I worked for before. But, I'm starting to feel on top of things now, starting to understand their systems. So, that's cool. Been a lot less stressed the last week or so than I was before.
It's funny, after having just watched the She-Ra finale, Avatar is seriously not holding up at all. Like, I still love it, but it just doesn't come close to the masterpiece which was She-Ra.
Ha, it sounds like I got super angry and borked a bunch of stuff when I put it like that. More like, was just scatterbrained. Literally missed my pocket when trying to put my phone away. Picked it up all shattered and was like "eh, well that's a shame". lol>>1036587
Night wheaties <3
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Oh yeah, if you've seen the entire anime there's a nice little hint towards this arc right at the end of the last episode.
Anyone who's been impatient and read ahead in the mange is hyped for what's coming next.>>1036583
Kinda boring, dealing with a minor sickness, and just keeping my sanity with everything still going haywire around me.>>1036585
At times, yes.
The manga still has a better representation of emotion and facial expression compared to the anime.
Along with much darker tones at certain key points.
However, the anime does excel at the voice acting to help express the emotion and the music.
My god the music is just fantastic.
I have easily listened to the OST about 20+ times now, and I'm still not sick of it.
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i wanna see pics of those nightmares! the only "nightmares" around here is the massive hordes of deer around here :PP
hehe fractured butthole ^^
what makes you feel fractured atm?>>1036587
aww okay ://>hugs and kajis <3
goodnight wheat ^^>>1036589
she is a total cutie! 1 demon between 3 adorable girl bodies ^^
oh for sure! like i have so many ideas for my island right now! also i'm in the process of waiting for a villager i want to move out to get the thought bubble, i learned of a technique to guarantee a villager you want gone to go. I only have one villager i don't want around (although she is currently immune atm T_T) but i have a few i'm okay with going if they decided to leave. between now and then, i need to make Skye Canyon a proper tourist destination! I have the Skye Cafe, and i need to have Skye park up and running as soon as i can aford some of the bigger rides and stuff! until then, i got some really nice looking landscapes ^^
hey, as long as you are having fun ^^
this pandemic definitely threw a wrench in a lot of peoples plans, so working remote has become the norm wether we like it or not ://. but it sounds like you are finding your flow! i love that part! it's gotta be somewhat intimidating since facebook is like one of the top dogs in the entire social media industry :PP
hehe... i still need to watch the finale ^^;
i dunno... i mean, ATLA is like the epitome of cartoon storywriting. I definitely need to be blown to the other side of the galaxy on She-ra to see that happen. i love the show so far, so i'm ready!
hehe, i guess we all have derpy days :PP>>1036590
sounds a bit chaotic Z, please rest and drink your fluids :))
is there anything you are watching/playing/doing that is helping you pass the time?
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Well I can't do much about the world around me.
I've been staying hydrated, no issues there.
Was playing some puzzle games earlier, but my controller has decided to die.
Now I'm looking into a way of either fixing it or replacing it.
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You have a Skye Canyon and a Skye Cafe, but you need Skye next! If she ever decides to pack up from our village, I'll let you invite her to your island if you want :3
I mean, it's not even just top dog in social media. In tech, they have the acronym FAANG. The FAANG companies are considered by some to be the biggest, most influential, and prestigious companies in tech. And FAANG stands for Facebook, Amazon, Apple, Netflix and Google. First letter baby! Have I mentioned that I don't know how I landed this job? haha
The finale is soooooooooooooooo good. It's the best thing I've seen on TV, maybe ever.
I think ATLA gets a lot better after the first season. Like, the first seasons is good, but fuckin Zuko is a zero dimensional character for the first 20 or so episodes! And Sokka isn't too much better yet.
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we may not control the world, but we can control how we react and move through it <3
that's good! hydration is very important! i need to get a drink of water ^^
aww! i hate when a controller dies in the middle of a game! sorry about that ://
is the controller just straight up dead? like no ability to charge it or anything?>>1036608
thank you! i would love to take her off your hands if and when that happens T_T
FAANG is such a cool acronym! and you deserved the job my friend <3
ooh i'm so excited! i love she-ra so much!
i disagree! within the first season we learn so much about Zuko and his motivations. From how he acts to his design, his relationship with his uncle and the rest of his crew, there is so much detail and fleshing out of who he is, what motivates him, and how he approaches and tries to solve his problems. If anything, he's the most fleshed out of the characters outside of Aang IMO.
Sokka on the other hand is pretty low key on the character development through season 1, but he still is cool ^^
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The thing is, Zuko's development is external to him. He doesn't really change at all in the first season, we just learn more about him through his backstory being explained. Like, he's early in his arc and he turns out to be one of the coolest characters, but so far I don't think he himself hasn't seen much development yet. So far, if he did something unexpected, it was not because it was a thing he grew into, but just the story not having explained who he is as a character yet. It's still cool getting to know who he is and his backstory in the first season, but I'm sorta dying to get to the changes he'll be going through on his journey through the story!
Anyway, it's late and I'm gonna get to bed. Night <3
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oh i disagree! as with the beginning of a lot of shows, we are shown a lot of a character through their actions and whatnot. we learned that he is fervently hunting the avatar, which is somewhat abnormal for a person his age since the avatar went missing for 100 years, well before he was even born. this is because it is his only chance to be welcomed back into the fire nation and the respect of his father, which we learn gave him the nasty scar on his face. So we established that he is desperate to gain what he lost, gain the love of his father, and to restore his honor. He puts on the air of a prince, yet he is short tempered like a child, which in many respects he still is. So already we have this troubled young kid who was injured and disfigured by his own father for speaking against him, simply because he didn't want people to unnecessarily die, despite the vantage that it gives to the fire nation.
now this is all establishing, not necessarily progression. however this sets up his arc for the whole series. but lets focus on the first season since that is the statement that you are going by
Season 1 is definitely predominately Aang and Gangs show, since we are establishing their story and their goals, but that isn't to say Zuko is one note. Even from the very beginning we see that what Zuko wants and what he needs are starkly different. What he wants is to gain his fathers respect and his honor again. But Iroh is with him, guiding him and caring for him, all the while putting more attention towards the simple things like tea and enjoying the moments of the day to day; this unconditional love and emphasis on finding ones own honor and self worth that Iroh presents represents what Zuko needs. Zuko obviously finds a lot of frustration with Iroh, getting mad at him, or being frustrated with him at many points. Yet you can tell he does love and care for him. He begrudgingly listens to him, and in one episode Zuko goes out of his way to save him from the Earth Kingdom guards that captured him. So we see his honor shine in those moments.
But what's really interesting is when his honor shines through with others, especially the "enemy"
IN THE FIRST EPISODE we get this look at his honor. He is in the southern water tribe after Aang accidentally triggers a flare from an abandon fire nation ship. So Zuko comes into the southern tribe with a full fledge ship and forces with advanced weaponry. Nobody in the water tribe village has a chance of fighting back. Sokka tries and is immediately taken out. Aang is standing between him and the tribe and offers himself up, in exchange for the guaranteed safety of the tribe, and Zuko honors it. He doesn't destroy anything, he doesn't take any other hostages or kill anyone, he leaves the tribe alone in full honor of the Avatars conditions of the deal.
while a small detail, it speaks volumes about who Zuko is, compared to the heaps of "dishonor" that is explained by his exile.
but the real genuine example of Zuko's character in first season is the Blue Spirit.
When Aang is captured by Zhao and held in a prison camp. The Blue Spirit appears to take Aang back, fighting hordes of fire nation men. When we learn that it is Zuko, we are faced with his duality of his struggle. He is actively fighting his own nation in order to gain back the token that will restore his honor, however by going alone and working alongside Aang, he knowingly freed him, which puts the Fire Nation in jeaopardy. His selfishness and selflessness are colliding in a conflict of persona between Zuko and the Blue Spirit, that is only amplified further through the rest of the season.
On the surface, he is the bad guy that wants to get the Avatar at any cost. But even early on we see he is somebody who is struggling with himself, with being dealt an unfair hand in life, and fighting between the honor of his father versus the honor of himself and justice.
He's a complex and beautifuly written character and i love him so much <3
aww :((>hugs and kajis <3
hey manley!>hugs and kajis <3
her name is Cerberus, and she is from the Helltaker game that has sweeped the internet ^^https://store.steampowered.com/app/1289310/Helltaker/
it's a free game, so enjoy!>hugs and kajis <3
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i could definitely go on! he's a fascinating character <3>hugs and kajis <3
sorry i'm bailing just as you got here, but i wanted to say you are wonderful and thank you for being a great friend!
nighty night dude! sweet dreams ^^
Daw, thank you. Sleep good Star
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Whenever you're ready
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Heya, I don't like, have anything planned out here, haha. I'm just reactive and impulsive. So just keep an eye out at some point and I'll maybe ask some things here tomorrow.
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I'm just posting lola again because suicidally depressed opossum just isn't much my style.>>1046606
This is a good one to start with. So then, who are you and what are you? Might as well hear it in your own words.
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Kinda a spur of the moment kind of thing, huh? Alright.>>1046785
I'm a 28 yr old white male.
Come from a somewhat normal background.
Mother and Father, no divorce, both deceased by now
Father hated my guts when I was 15-ish
Mother didn't really care much at all about me around that time too.
Worked all manner of jobs in life so far, including day-laborer, odd-jobber, and general housework.
Current going back to school to get a degree, have only a little bit left to go on that.
I've been to a few therapists in my time, I think I'm up to about 7 or 8.
Had some good ones, but also some really awful ones too.
Oh, and I've ruined nearly every friendship I have ever made either here, on other sites, or even in real life.
I think maybe about 3-4 people can still stand me, kinda...
Anything else you wanna know?
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>>1046790>Kinda a spur of the moment kind of thing, huh? Alright.
That's what I do, just make shit up as I go.
Okay, you answered who you are here pretty well, in an overview kind of way.
So then, what role does shame, guilt, and regret play in your life? Those are some pretty destructive kinds of feelings.
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A lot of it boils down to an event that happened when I was 15 years old, and shortly after my father disowned me. It's a bit of a story, but one that I know all too well... so bear with me here.
I was involved with a girl who was in the same grade as me, and we were the usual boyfriend/girlfriend. We met when we were younger, so about 14-ish if I remember. I was, at the time, a careless kid who really didn't care about anyone besides himself. My girlfriend at the time loved me, a lot, and would go about showing it in public whenever she could. I would push her off and not really be into the whole idea of it, since I was immature and really just an asshole. I found some pleasure in embarrassing people, but I found a lot of it in watching people flounder in public. Especially if I had caused that kind of thing for other people, if I was the reason why they look like an idiot I felt so much satisfaction. Really sickens me to think about it to this day, but I believe that I'm no longer that person and hope I never will be. Besides, that's just a small look into my personal psyche... and a cause of why things went the way they did.
So my girlfriend was kinda an emotional wreck, semi-broken home, older brother left due to being kicked out of the house, mother and father always fighting, you get the idea. So she would come to me at time to find comfort, knowing that I was her "light in the darkness", the one good thing she could turn to when she felt down. Now, I never saw myself as that and really found it annoying, since her way of finding comfort was showing public displays of affection, no matter where we were. School, park, bowling alley, at home, in a bank, even when standing in line at the DMV to get a driving permit. After a while, I started getting sick of it and would do what I could to distance myself from her. Hiding myself between classes, not answering my cell phone, making up excuses as to why I couldn't show up for events, whatever I could to keep some distance between us. I was sure after a while, she would have broken up with me or something and I could move on with my life. Nope, this kept going for almost 2 years. Nothing I seemed to do made any real difference, so I basically vanished in the world. I made it so in order to see me, you had to have seen me in public, and even then I would ignore who you were unless you physically stopped me to get my attention. What I didn't know was my girlfriend was, at the time, going through the worst time in her life.
Her parents finally decided to split up, and her brother came back home to this, and stated he never wanted anything to do with any of them. This broke her heart, as the two of them (the brother and her) had a bond even after he was thrown out of the house. She called me no less then 15 times that day, trying to get into contact with me. I ignored each and every one of those calls, figuring she would bother one of her other friends or something. I was busy with my own life of not giving a shit about anyone to care. She followed each day with a barrage of calls to me, for almost 9 days. She was looking for support and never found it, not from her parents, not from her friends, not from me, no one. I remember the next day being surprised that my phone was silent. Normally by this point she would have called me about 8 or 9 times, trying to get into contact with me. Then around 3pm she called me again, which I ignored, and then there was no follow up calls. She left a voice mail too, which was unlike her as well as she normally wanted to say what was on her mind instead of leaving a message to be talked about later, she was kinda forgetful. Anyway, the voicemail was her begging me to call her back as she had something she needed to talk about and needed someone to talk to immediately. Guess what I did after listening to it. That's right, I ignored it.
The next day, I will remember for the rest of my life. Her father found her in the bathroom, dead, cuts on her wrists and a note left behind. In her letter she talked about how she couldn't do this anymore, life was nothing but pain, and named me as the reason as to why she got to this point. That I was the only thing keeping her going, and without me she had nothing left to live for. I wouldn't find out about the note until 2 days after her death. I was investigated by the local police, I was shunned, ridiculed, and hated by the community. What friends I had were gone, the town wanted to see me hanged or imprisoned, and my father took on so much vile toxic blame for me that he finally turned on me on day. I was called a mistake, a waste of space, and a cruel inhuman being who doesn't deserved to walk on the earth. My mother faded into obscurity after this, I wouldn't have any contact with her until almost 4 months before her death.
Because of what I did, someone died. And because someone died due to my inaction, I was targeted as the vile, inhuman, demon who deserves nothing but the hate which I so rightly deserve. The event that transpired followed me even through high school, when I started attending college the first time. When people found out what had happened, I lost everyone... again. My only solace was an online community who didn't know who I was, but my guilt would eventually have me spill the past on to them. My guilt, shame, and regret all comes from an event that I had time to do something about, but decided to ignore it. I decided I was more important then them, that they weren't even worth my time.
So I don't believe I deserve any kindness, sympathy, or help. I made this hell, I should be the one who lives it. I'm not a victim of abuse, I caused the abuse.
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So, have you not realized yet that you are a scapegoat? Of all the major players here you are easily the least at fault. And everyone who actually did something really wrong shouldered none of the blame (unless you omitted that part)?
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I know I'm a scapegoat for most of their feelings, and I still take the brunt of it from time to time. I'm still thought of as that guy who just let a girl kill herself, but some of the rumors have changed the story a tad. Last I had heard, I was on the phone with her telling her to do it so I could go back to doing whatever it was I was doing.
And though I did not kill her myself, I also didn't stop her either. I provided no support for her, and as such she died.>>1046828
Perhaps, but I did nothing to help the situation or try and provide any kind of support for her. She depended on me, and I let her down.
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Your story has a hole, well many, but I want to address the biggest one.
You say you were a selfish asshole. Only thinking of yourself. Yet, a selfish asshole would have just told her to fuck off. I don't see that here, it says you just tried to avoid here, hoping she would break it off with you instead.
Fix this gap for me. Why didn't you just tell her it was over?
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Laziness, ignorance, lack of empathy... really it could be a few reasons.
I remember a couple times where I had thought I broke up with her, to then only be told later on that we were still dating. I just never dealt with it for the most part, letting it go on and on based on her decision.
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So, you knew that she had the shittiest life, that you were the only "light", and that didn't play a role in your decision to not firmly tell her it was over? You were not bothered at all by the idea of having to be the one who took the one good thing she had from her by dumping her under no uncertain terms?
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At the time? Nah.
I had my own life to worry about, and really I stopped caring about the "relationship" about 4 months in.
I always figured that if I was a huge dick and unsupportive, that she would eventually move on to someone else.
Enough of her friends at the time told me that I was worthless and no good for her, and I agreed, but apparently she didn't see it like that.
So is this going to come to light that I strung her along in this relationship and made her spiral further and further into her own personal hell, where if I just firmly broke it off with her then everything would have been different?
Or are we going to go with the idea that she was a lost cause and no matter what I did, she did it of her own choosing and I was not really involved and was just caught in the crossfire.
Or better yet, that I was and am a real piece of shit. It's my fault for not being the support she needed to working with her to get the proper support she deserved.
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Your idea that I have an agenda is cute. I see you've been through this dance a lot. But I'm not interested in anything but the truth. I am not yet convinced that you are actually as bad as you think you are. But I'm happy if you can prove it to me, then I won't feel an obligation to the truth.
Anyway, let me recap this to see if I'm getting it right. You got into this thing, around 13 I guess, lost interest really quick. You felt annoyed by her, she didn't respect your boundaries, so you pushed her away. You tried to end it multiple times but it never stuck, you somehow are still in a relationship you don't want to be in. At a loss for an easy solution, you shrug and just ignore her, it's about as much you are interested in doing to solve the issue. It's not like you care if she's hurt, you just don't want to deal with it any longer. How's that sound to you? Accurate?
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Hey, you wouldn't be the first person to think that I'm not a bad guy. After a while, it's easier to just agree instead of arguing.
Pretty good so far.
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It's not that I don't think you are a bad guy. It's that your story doesn't have enough details to establish that you are anything but a victim. But I obviously don't know it all, yet.
Also, I do not believe in the concept of good and bad people. We are all people who have done things, some good and bad. Labeling a person as bad is just a way to dehumanize them, make it easier to do the unthinkable. Makes it easier to not have to think too hard about the complexity of the world and morality. That's how I see it at least.
Alright, I think I'm happy with that, it fits the story.
Next, was she a victim? If so, what was she a victim of and by who? Think carefully, I'm sure you will include yourself as an abuser but I need to hear how was it abuse. Then theres her parents, brother, maybe friends. I want a better picture of what she went through, if you can provide it.
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Morality is a sack and a half when you get down to the brass tacks. We're all here to survive, and morality just gives some of us a longer life.>Parents
Her mother and father liked her, not sure about love really. I never witnessed anything that I would constitute as love, especially for a child. They were both rather nice when in public, and I remember going to at least 2 different events with them and they were fine. However, I also remember some of the phone calls she used to make to me from home and hearing the yelling, smashing, and violent behaviors. A lot of accusations and whatnot... with a little bit of infidelity if I remember right. Dad used to work nights doing security or something, and Mom was a BBW call girl for hire. No kidding.>Brother
Never really got to meet him or remember his face. At best, I can say I got to hang out with him once for about 2 hours when I was hanging around town. Seemed like a nice dude overall, but you could not start talking about family around him. It'd be like flipping a switch, you'd watch his face turn and just get angry. Dunno if anything happened in that regard, where if he was raped by a family member or something.>Friends
Typical white trash kinda clientele, there were 6 of them I think. If you look up the white trailer trash girl, every damn stereotype fit as one of her friends. Drugs, alcohol, sex, crime, arrest... you name it and at least half of them would have been caught doing it the week before. All of them got knocked up early on too, I think the youngest was 13 and the oldest was 16. They would usually throw me shit about not being there for her or not taking things seriously, and once being asked if I had a broken dick because I didn't want to fuck. All class those girls, and they gave me the most shit after she died too. If there was someone who didn't know what happened, they were sure to spread the info to whomever could hear or read. I don't care for them, never did and never will.>Myself
The things I would do to her would be things like ignoring her when she called my name in school. Or just ghosting on her when she was planning to go to an event or something. Also there was a few times where I forcefully pushed her away because she was getting too clingy, remarking on the fact that I wasn't some kind of stuffed animal she could squeeze to feel better. I also remember once when she called me at like 2am and asked for me to come and pick her up at the park, because she apparently broke her foot. I had told her to call 911, and asking me for help isn't going to do shit since I didn't have transportation or money. She didn't speak to me for about 3 days after that, again another moment where I thought "cool, I guess we're finally done then". I also chucked her phone into the woods once because she was texting me nonstop while walking with me in town, and I will admit I was overboard in my reaction. I did go out into the woods and look for it for about 2 hours before giving it back to her, and it still worked. It was one of those Razor phones at the time, thin as all hell but damn durable it seemed. Sorry, kinda off track there.
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>>1046905>Morality is a sack and a half when you get down to the brass tacks. We're all here to survive, and morality just gives some of us a longer life.
If that's your stance, why bother with guilt? Or does the guilt serve to further your survival?
Alright, those details help paint the picture. A few things though, do you know why brother was kicked out? Do you know why brother included her in his abandoning of his family? Why cut her out?
And the friends, can you tell why she didn't turn to them for support? Why only you? Did she call any of them shortly before or on the fateful day?
As for yourself, how much did you communicate clearly your desires and boundaries in the relationship? Did she ignore your wishes or did you just not actually tell her the problems you had with her behavior outright?
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Also, we both know I'm not your therapist or anything here. I'm in this because of curiosity, I want to know and learn about people and these kinds of extreme experiences and emotions. I do want be helpful too, but I don't like exercising that as a primary motive when I'm not asked for it, which you haven't. Basically what I'm saying is, feel free to cut me off at any point if you feel this is wasting your time.
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Ehh, I'm just being edgy, sorry.
No idea why the brother was kicked out, and I only found out when I noticed his picture on her phone one day when she was showing me pictures she took.
I feel like maybe the brother cut her out as she was the last thing keeping him coming back over and over to the family. By cutting her loose, he could finally "escape" but that's just speculation at best.
I think she did turn to them, but they're not exactly the best at dealing with sensitive issues or anything. She was the one who would listen to their problems more often then not really. I don't know if she did or didn't call them, they never would tell me anyway.
I told her enough that eventually it felt like she was going to do whatever she wanted anyway, so it felt like I didn't really get a say or was heard. I tried telling her about my space and needing some space here and there, but that didn't seem to matter. I was just kinda a resource for her to use when she needed, which was a LOT. seems kinda familiar, haha>>1046922
Ur fine, if I wanted to stop I'd tell you.
Or just stop responding.
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Haha, no worries, I'm so fucking edgy sometimes, it can be amusing in the right moment.
Do you think these friends actually loved and respected her? Or was she a bit of someone that was around mostly for her usefulness to them? Like, did she feel she needed to impress them or do anything to maintain their friendship? The point being, was it real or superficial.
So here I think we are getting closer to something interesting. Did she love you Z? As in *you*? Or did she love the idea of what she wanted you to be? Do you feel like she treated you as a person, an equal? Or an object? I am trying to get into her mind here, I have an idea about this situation that I'm carefully vetting.
It can be a mix of both as well, people are complicated that way.
That's cool, saying that was more for myself. I like making things clear about my motives and the rules of engagement. Just helps me manage anxieties and paranoias knowing we all are on the same page.
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If you're asking me, purely superficial.>Did she love you?
Who knows, maybe? Hard to say really.
Some would say yes, others would say no, and even I am so unsure of the whole thing that I would say "it'd be easier to ask her".
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Was there literally anyone truly in this girls corner?
Obviously she was flawed, who wouldn't in her situation. But do you think she treated you well as her boyfriend? Was she ever trying to make you happy (in your vision of what happiness looks like, not her vision of what would make you happy)? And, do you feel she was controlling? Was she ever manipulative? For instance, when trying to break it off, do you feel like she pulled strings to keep you in?
I have a lot of sympathy for her miserable life, but putting together her motivations and thoughts, as best we can, is pretty important to seeing the big picture. Without that, there can be no nuance, just boring black and white bullshit.
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Honestly, I'd say the brother was in her corner. After he disowned the family, the calls to me got a lot more consistent. Perhaps she called him a lot about things, and then moved on to me when he disappeared.
I believe that she believed she was doing what she believed was the right thing to do. I personally didn't like it at the time, but I feel like she had the idea of "he'll get used to it" probably crossed her mind. She never seemed to be manipulative, but I could say the same about myself now. Though I don't mean to manipulate, there are a lot of toxic and unhelpful things I have been known to do to make people feel trapped when talking to me... which is why they stop talking.
Really, thinking more about it I ended up adopting a lot of her mannerisms after he passing. Almost like a curse, or burden, to be carried til I die... and then passed on to the next.
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Why do you think that those break up attempts didn't actually work? Were you wishy washy? Did you not make it clear? How can you think you broke up but it just not be over? What did it actually look like, the breaking up and the finding out somehow it wasn't over?
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It boiled down to "I think we need to break up, I can't do this" or even "We need to take a break, I need my space".
And it would last all of 2 days... then she would go back to how things were. I'd argue, or even just try to ignore it, but nothing seemed to stick. Except her, to me.
*sigh* I'm... kinda feeling like shit thinking about this, what with self-reflection on my shitty past actions.
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I see. Well it's getting late anyway. Sorry to bring you down like that. I'm gonna post here again tomorrow, if you feel in the mood for a little more. I think I'm close to my conclusion. Thank you for entertaining me so far. I believe I'll have some interesting things to say when it's all over, if that's an incentive to you at all. You can test me, see if I have something novel, different from all the others who have heard it before.
Night Z, sleep well.
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So, I feel I have the stage set pretty well. I guess the next questions are probably going to be even harder, but that can't be helped if the truth is to be had.
I want to know about her note. Did she blame you in it? Like frame it that her death was your fault? Did she say you were abusive and/or neglectful? Or did people just infer that from the fact she is dead and you had been hiding from her? Do you agree with the note, that it was fair towards you?
How did you feel hearing that she died? What were your first thoughts? Did you think it was your fault right off the bat? Or did that come from learning what was in the note? Were you told you were the bad guy or did you know you were the bad guy before everyone made it very clear to you? Basically when did the guilt, shame, and regret set in?
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Well, this is a first...
Her note read as a memoir of her life, of what was troubling her and the stress in her life. About growing up with a split family and the stress of life that comes with being a teenager. She mentioned how I was the only light she had in her life, that the time spent with me was what kept her content and that things would get better. However, she also stated that she believed she was living a lie as who could love her, being as broken as she was. That her being with me was a lie to herself and was ruining my life as she was just a bother to me. Then there was more about life and some complications with her intelligence and work ethic, but I don't quite remember most of that.
I gained a lot of blame from the parents and friends stating that I was not around or supportive to her. It spread like wild-fire and there was nothing I could say that would change it since no one would listen by the time the fire started, so to speak.
I was sad she was dead, no sense not to be sad. I didn't think she had killed herself though, as I believed she had died from other means. Again, not really on my focus at the time since I was already so far disconnected. When the note came out and my name was dropped, I was crushed. Soon after that, the blame came at me in waves, mainly at school. Started with her friends calling me out in public, and no matter what I said they still blamed me.>You fucking killed her, you bastard!<I fucking didn't, I didn't fucking kill her!>You should have supported her, she loved you!<If she loved me why would she kill herself!?>She cared about you, why didn't you fucking care about her!?
and it would then devolve into me getting frustrated with the yelling, and telling them to find someone else to bother. It became easier as time went on for people to distance themselves from me, and after enough people kept away it was easier for others to throw hate at me then to question the mob. This got so bad that it affected my father, as he took a lot of the brunt from people in town about it. Eventually, I feel like the only way he could cope was to join the mob. *sigh* after that, when my father finally came to me stating his great disdain of me, that's when I knew this wasn't going to pass.
And that was around the first time I thought about killing myself... not to escape, but to atone.
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Wow, I'm actually shocked. I really had a different narrative imagined out, I'm glad that I approached this neutrally. My mind is racing to align this new information.
I guess while I do that. If you recognize that you are a bit of a scapegoat. And you were crushed, but it sounds like you originally were confident that you didn't have something to be deeply guilty about. Then, what are you atoning for? Did they convince you that it was, after all, something that made you an awful person?
Atoning for being a horrible human being, for ignoring the signs, and for being so selfish to think I was the only one with a life. It's easy to rationalize your actions to stop thinking about them, but sometimes it takes more self reflection to know when you're the bad guy.
Time and time again I've found that during times of aggression or being upset, there was something I could do to prevent the conflict altogether. It's also easier to be the fall guy at this point for anything, when everyone fucking hates you already I mean... what's the issue with a few more. It also allows someone else to not take the brunt, and maybe even be the one thing that prevents them from doing something stupid. I know I'm not invulnerable, but I'm also numb to most of the pain and hate at this point. Kindness is easy to give... but it's also not easy to take. The idea of love is also dead to me, cause I know what love is and no one has given it to me and I have yet to meet anyone who I am willing to give it to.
Really I do wish everyone involved well, as even through it all I never came to hate them. I was upset that they saw me in such a light, but hey... if enough people agree to it, then it has to have some truth. Deep down, I really am just a waste of space, unworthy of any kind words or comfort.
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Hmm, I need time to think about this more. This is very important to get right, for personal reasons. In fact maybe a not so fun short story I can share.
As a teen, I did some things, I *was* some things. They were not bad things, but I was so reviled by so many people for them, that my guilt, shame, and those regrets ballooned out of control. For years I felt driven to atone, twenty almost. I felt unlovable, only really worth scorn. I sabotaged or gave up on every way I could help myself.
I didn't want to kill myself, never really did. Because, there's no afterlife and if I died, I couldn't keep self harming. I couldn't feel pain while dead, atonement to me was to keep fucking myself up as much as I can as badly as I can for as long as I can. I had delusional thoughts, such as I was designed for this job, my cosmic purpose was to collect pain, it was a literal duty. I wished I could take the place of other people and feel their pain for them, literally amass all the collective pain of the human race in one horrific symphony of agony. I was literally the worst thing to ever exist, at least if I could do that, you know experience all the pain that's ever happened, then my life would have meaning.
I was doing a great thing for the human race, by burning out every last trace of happiness in me and replacing it with pain! You're grateful I did that right? You had to be, all humans, animals even, everyone was stoked that I was suffering for what I did. You're welcome, haha.
Those were interesting times! Such fond memories.
There's like, a billion details I'm omitting but that might give you an idea why I'm curious about your case. It resonates with me and I'm wondering if there's room for you to come to a similar conclusion I did, that wow holy shit I was fucking crazy AF and that craziness was put in there by other people. But I can't and am not interested in trying to force projection on to you and tell you what you are. Once I'm done you can come to your own conclusion, not my job to change you, just find the unbiased truth and present it to you.
Anyway, sharing some little history is just a delaying tactic while I think.
So, what are you afraid of Z? Specifically, if you tried to internalize that you weren't ever a bad person, hypothetically, what drives you to reject that idea? Is it that your current image as a person you can stomach existing as depends entirely on accepting that you were horrible and terrible? That, if you don't accept that, you truly are as revolting as everyone knows you to be? You're not even a victim of anything, she's the one dead, so it's clear as day what you are, right?
Or something else? What's got you locked into this idea Z?
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Biggest thing? That her death was meaningless, and I shouldn't care. That I shouldn't have to take responsibility for my role in her death. That my father was always like that and I just never saw it until he was pressured. That through it all, all of the events of my life, of the people who have come and gone, and events that have transpired... that none of it mattered.
That I'm acting sad for no reason, that I have no reason to be depressed.
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I think I almost have what I need here. Just a few loose ends I want to tie up.
Do you feel in control? In a general life sense. Does having control or not having control have any special meaning to you? Are you afraid of having lost control? Are you afraid of yourself at all as though you are a danger? maybe we can share an affinity for legoshi for the same reason, haha
How do you feel about the idea of being weak and vulnerable? Like, I don't mean showing that to someone. Just the general idea that you are a weak person by nature. Do you have an opinion on that? Does the idea of being much weaker then others bother you?
Hmm, what else. Are you afraid of rejection? Like presenting yourself as anything but horrible and that being rejected. Do you think your hateful feelings about yourself keep you safe from taking the risk of facing someone's judgement? If you already have formed a firm conclusion that you are horrible, then you do not have to really face outside judgement. If you think you aren't, and you are told anew how horrible you are, then the crush of that blow is so wildly painful it's unbearable. But if you know what you are, you are impervious to further judgement. Of course, the flip side of that is anyone telling you you aren't horrible bounces off completely. Does that sound right at all?
Do you feel safe, truly safe? Like emotionally safe? Even if not globally, with just one person. That you can be what you are to them without fear? Do you feel you even need such a thing or want such a thing?
Unless I have a follow up to that line of questioning, what I want to do next is give you your story back to you. The same story, same facts, but with the benefit of a little critical analysis and my extensive experience with being incredibly mentally ill. Might take me a bit to write up, but worst case I think you'll find it amusing that I spent so much time on such a thing. A novel experience.
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Never have felt in control of my life, but that's because things happen outside my control and I have to just learn and adapt to my new environment. I'm not afraid of losing control, since I never felt like I had it to begin with, but I am afraid of the unknown the future holds. I feel I'm a danger to others in the sense that in my life and as I have been currently, my emotions tend to turn a somewhat enjoyable experience with people into one that magnifies my faults and ruins everyone else's mood. I try to keep to myself now as to not do that... so much.
I feel showing one's vulnerabilities is a way of showing people you're comfortable with their company, but I also know some people don't want to have too much thrown their way in the beginning. I also feel that being weak makes it easier to better understand other people's emotions, thoughts, and even ideals as a whole as my own bias tends to not show through when trying to learn about someone else. I will say it does bother me a bit, but more in the sense that people see my weakness as a way of exploiting something they want from me.
I don't like rejection, but I'm familiar with it. I've been thrown through the mud more times then I can count in multiple aspects of my life. Jobs, relationships, and even school acceptance for college are some examples of being rejected I have felt. After a while, it's just easier to understand that you're nothing, amount to nothing, and don't matter to anyone else so just know your place and stay in line. I'm also pessimistic in nature, always planning for the worse to happen and having a plan for it when it does happen. Makes it nice when I'm wrong, but I'm also rarely wrong... so yeah, that sounds about right.
Emotionally? Oh fuck no, my emotional outbursts have ruined a couple friendships I had, and in some cases have me sent to the hospital a couple times. I have found myself opening up enough to some people where I do start to feel comfortable around them, but a quick reminder of the past puts me back into line. Always keep myself in check because when I go off the deep end, no one wins.
Another thing I also want to add is about my attempts of suicide, those failures and what has actually happened because of it. I've tried to kill myself by hanging, by overdosing on pills, suffocating by car exhaust, and once stood on an overpass waiting for a truck to pass by. Most of these events happened after nights of heavy binge drinking. Each attempt was a failure, but I always kept something from time to carry with me. The pills one is actually the reason why my heart gave out a while ago. I like to talk about it being due to a medical error someone made, but the reality of it is my own doing. On one of the nights I overdosed, I kick started a genetic issue in my bloodline of afib (Atrial Fibrillation). This would later manifest in my heart stopping soon after for almost 5 minutes... and again shortly after for almost 2 minutes. On the first instance, I was declared dead and brought back. In fact, I've been declared dead 3 times in my life already. After those instances, I was put on a list of a heart transplant due to the damage I had done with my idiocy. Over a year later and I had my operation set and ready to go... and I almost backed out of it. Thinking I was stealing a chance from someone else out there, but some time with a therapist helped alleviate that feeling. I still suffer from afib, but my heart is better suited for it now and I only need to get checked up on if an episode lasts for 2 days or longer. I say all of this because it's my only real burden to bear after everything, and it was self inflicted in a moment of idiocy.
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Yeah, it took me a while but I found out it came from a guy in his mid 30's who was killed in a drunk driving accident. He was struck from behind and died soon after they rushed him to the hospital.
For the life of me, I don't remember the name. Only thing I do know is the mother wanted to listen to the heart beat, which she did in the hospital when I was leaving. It was a somber moment, and afterwards I needed some therapy because of my destructive mentality about "stealing a life from someone else".
Seems to me more like you helped a mother find some kind of silver lining in her son's senseless death.
You dont need any excuse to feel depression. Thats just depression. But perceived debts to people who died should not be a burden like that, but a motivation. For whatever reasons youve been spared. Try to give back what you can, even if the result doesn't seem significant to you. And try to be content with doing what you can.
I try to. Even tho it seems i do at least as much harm trying to help as i did before so i dunno if it actually works.
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Thank you for sharing all this with me. I think I have one last question.
There is a lifetime of experiences you couldn't fit in here. But is there anything you have deliberately hidden in this story? That it was so bad and shameful that you couldn't include it. Like, if you had all the time in the world to tell the last 15 years, is there a thing you would lie and cover up? Basically, there is no point to an honest assessment if the real reason you are horrible isn't even on the record. It's fine if you didn't go into detail about all the really shitty things you've done, it's not needed. I believe you that you have been a dumpster fire of a person. I just don't think is worth my time to be so thorough in this if you also murdered some people on the side. In other words, do we have the worst of it on record? Please add anything you think is missing that I must have to understand the truth.
I'm going to start this thing now. It'll take hours to get it right, might not even be done today. I'll see ya later, I'm excited to hear what you think.
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Yeah, I try to give back when I can... but that's when I'm also not feeling like I'm the biggest disappointment in the world.>>1047085
Only things I would say that I've hidden is my real relationship with my father (all the way to his death bed) and what self-destructive things I've done that also got other people involved... that culminates into a few arrests, a DUI, and 2 more deaths that I have caused. One of my cousin, who died of a drug overdose, and one of my uncle, which was another situation where someone depended on me and I ignored it.
*sigh* don't stress yourself out too much on it.
If anything, it'll at least give me a written catalog of my bullshit.
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i like desu
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So, just wondering on the whole "write-up" thing.
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Hey Z! Do apple farmers die from preventable and treatable conditions more that other professions?
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Haha, sorry dude. It might take me another couple days. Honestly a few very interesting things have been happening in my life, actually in large part because of all the thinking I've been doing because of your story.
I decided to talk to my parents about my shit life and the role they played in ruining me. That was just hours ago. It went, really well honestly. I've thought this conversation was impossible my whole life, and I just did it. Like it was easy to confront them somehow despite all the ways I thought it couldn't be done.
A component to taking that step is because I have been getting into your shoes and sorta inspired almost? Like we both have similar traumas but you became such a different person than me and I've been thinking about that a lot. I'm not saying you're my hero, but talking to you has helped me a lot. Made me think about the right things.
But I promise I'll get to it in a few days. I'm not sure either today or tomorrow will work to finish it. But I'm not gonna forget to pay you back for the story! Sorry to make you wait.
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I don't believe so, since the only forms of farm related deaths come from accidents from farming equipment and corn silos.
And also to my knowledge, there are roughly 20 deaths per 100,000 per year in the realm of farming.
That equates to about .0002% of deaths, if my math is right.>>1047272
... I... uh... don't know what to say besides the fact I'm glad at least someone could use my life in a positive light.
No rush, just wanted to know if you were still working on it.
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well i'm just thinking that being surrounded by apples, doctors would never be able to reach them in case of incidents :DD
cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away, so 100,000 of them would be certain death!
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Would it be inappropriate to make a "long-winded introductions" joke?
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Sounds very much like the saying "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life
I mean, it's just re-purposing a thread that exists to facilitate the needs of a few now.
Think of it like renovating old building in the city for apartments, which then have the rent raised so high that no one can use them.
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Oh I know. I've been lurking.
But you know you're really wasting your money renovating the whole thing. Just sexy up the lobby and price the units so high that nobody actually sees them. Nobody will realize that it's a broken piece of shit as long as there's a layer of polish in the public areas.
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>I usually post with Vinyl Scratch, but I've got quite a Midna collection I want to use.
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Heh, I have a special connection with Midna, so you better not post lewd stuff.
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Midna is my absolute favorite character in any video game. I would never post lewd midna stuff. Midna is precious and must be protecced!
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We're all in the running for being the biggest disappointment in the world, in our own lives
Funny thing is that I kinda just threw most of my worries and regrets down on paper... err, text.
So anyone really can read it, if they want of course.
Oh god, no no no. If I do proper renovations it would be simply a clean coat of paint in the rooms, newer furniture in the lobby, and a a name like "Sunny Side Condominiums". That'll be more then enough to bring people in the doors.>>1047514
I believe we've talked before on Pchan if I'm not mistaken, but hello anyway.it's kinda funny that this thread seems to be getting a second life now.
She can do a lot of protecting herself
but she is a hero-ess out there
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Better than I can do! I literally never share my insecurities. That's probably an insecurity itself but who knows.
It's easier than actually *cleaning* the place.
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Yeah, but when I do that I also feel like I'm sharing too much and end up making people feel weird when they talk to me. It's kinda like "Hi, never met before but I'm -Z-. Hey, did you know that my dad wished I was dead and never born? Also I've died before. So... what are your hobbies?" and they run off like they're just seen a ghost
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That's how I introduced myself to the last friend I made. I was just like, let me tell you about all my most destructive habits, oh and you need to watch out for this and this and this because I have serious brain issues and if we aren't careful someone will get burned. Within the first conversation I had I told them I have a history of paranoid and delusional thoughts, just casually slipped it in.
Maybe I'm just lucky but they told me that made them much more comfortable and trusting of me. I mean, why not right? If someone starts out by just being super vulnerable and open, that's better than them hiding the worst of themselves, right? I'm really close and intimate to that friend now, so at least this time, it worked pretty well, haha. I don't think I want to make friends with anyone who I can't just tell how fucked up emotionally I am, or have been.
I'm in the middle of the thing btw, unless something major comes up I'll probably post it tonight.
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It really depends on who you talk to about things, because there are those who would rather hide their faults and forget them while others would rather expose them and hope to either learn from them or accept and learn to live with them.
My experience is normally to start small with people and then trickle things in from time to time, because at any time they usually will let you know when something seemed a bit too personal. Or they'll just stop talking to you
Again, no rush.
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Full crazy or bust! No half measures or warming people up! When meeting someone new, I make sure to immediately tell them that I am a mortal vessel for collecting all the world's pain. That's how they know I mean business as a friend!
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Beh. No worries. Who isn't a bit off here?
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What do you mean Wheat? There's nothing off about me. Maybe you just mean everyone else.
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Might explain why I don't have many friends then...>>1047644
Here? Ehh, maybe one or two people... but everyone usually has their own skeletons in the closet...mine just seems to be overflowing
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I'm writing this as a record of the truth. I obvious have some investment in a preferable outcome having gone through the effort of trying to obtain the truth. But ultimately what happens after this is posted is up to Z. I've broken this up into a few sections. First the story, reconstructed and given what I believe to be an entirely neutral and as close to accurate assessment I can create as a third party observer. It is not guaranteed that all my analysis is perfectly accurate. But, I am confident in what I consider a series of conclusions, which will be the section which follows. I want to really establish that some things about this story are debatable, but some conclusions are strong enough that I would consider them basically fact. After that, as a special treat, I want to include my own personal recommendation for how you should move forward with your life. If I'm going to all the trouble of doing this analysis, I might as well give you a bit of advice on how you might better live. Up to you to decide if it is any use to you.
A Story You Know With A Twist
The story must start with the GF. In a lot of ways this is her story more than Z's. She came from a very broken and dysfunctional home. In a good world, her parents would have just broken up instead of dragging their children through the hell that they did. A growing child needs safety and love to develop into a health and balanced individual. GF did not receive either in the right quantities. There are lots of ways children cope with that, but in her case she developed what is known as an Anxious Attachment style. Defined roughly as:
"People with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away.
Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.”"
She has an incredibly unhealthy relationship with most other people. She has a friend group who doesn't really support her. She keeps her place within that social circle by giving and supporting in excess. She probably does not really know how to make a real connection with another person and these friends most likely tolerate her more than love her in any genuine way.
Now we can introduce Z. He's not too different from the average teenage boy. He's going through the motions of being a teen, a bit self centered, can sometimes be a an ass when he should know better. He gets into a relationship with his new GF, but things go downhill incredibly fast. On account of her anxious attachment style, GF is not able to actually create a real bond with Z. She treats him more like an object than an actual person she loves. She isn't trying to be in a relationship as much as she is trying to fulfill a fantasy.
A teenage boy is not equipped to be able to handle the burden of a person with this kind of severe issue mental health issue. Even most adults are not. Z even tries, multiple times, to break things off between them. But the Anxiously Attached can often be living in a separate reality and she is not willing to let go of that. Not really having any other options, and not having the experience or emotional maturity to understand the situation to it's fullest, Z starts to develop his own coping mechanisms in response. He tries to hide and distance and get away, hoping she will finally get the message. It got so bad for Z, he practically vanishes from the world in an attempt to escape what has become inescapable.
At this point, it would be a farce to call the relationship between GF and Z as girlfriend and boyfriend. Z has made it clear multiple times to GF that the relationship isn't working and that they should separate. She refuses to detach from the only bit of emotional security she thinks she is able to have and works to keep Z invested in perpetuating the 'relationship'. What she is experiencing is a delusional fixation, unable to cope with her traumas she puts all of her hopes on someone who is basically a stranger to her at this point.
Unfortunately, things continue to deteriorate in her life. She soon has nowhere to turn for any support. Not from her parents, her friends, her brother, or her 'boyfriend'. She feels the despair of total abandonment which leads to her tragic death by suicide. This pointless loss of life shocks the community. Besides the sadness and grief, the question arises of why this happened? The truth was that she grew up in a terribly broken household where she received no love and no support, which put her on her own self destructive path, forming superficial relationships and developing an extremely unhealthy fixation for the one she chose to be her savior. Her parents are the ones who own full blame for her death, their failure to provide her the childhood she needed is entirely their fault and ended in the loss of her life. Her friends may come as a distant second in terms of blame, they used her for what she could do for the group without having anything to give back. The brother likely was going through his own personal hell in that family and it would be difficult to assign him much blame when he needed to do what he had to do to protect himself. Finally Z, the 'boyfriend'. Looking at the facts of the situation and circumstances, Z was conditioned by GF's actions to become avoidant. This *was* truly an abusive relationship, but it was GF who was the abuser. She created a situation he couldn't handle and could not escape from. Even in the most generous light, she was not Z's girlfriend, she was Z's stalker. He can't rightfully bare *any* of the responsibility for her death as a victim of her fantasy fixation.
But the truth doesn't really matter when we assign blame. Those parties most at fault, also turned out to be the least capable of accepting blame. The abusive parents and the neglectful 'friends' most certainly would not be able to do the kind of mature introspection necessary to shoulder fault for what happened. Instead, they turned to whoever they could to ease their guilt. Seeing as there was mention of a boyfriend in the note, it was easy to loudly and angrily point the finger at a party who was themselves victimized. Her parents, eager to find anyone else to blame for the loss of their child and their own massive failing, go out of their way to demonize Z in the town. Her 'friends', not wanting to have to account for their own complete lack of support for GF, also go out of their way to demonize Z at school. He has become the scapegoat of the story, and it actually sounds really convincing. The neglectful boy and the sad lonely girl who just wanted to love him. But reality looked more like, the stalker girl and the boy who just wanted to escape her. Nobody is capable or even wants to think that hard, especially when we in this society are biased against men in unhealthy relationships. People assumed guilt without really bothering to check the whole truth.
Z at the time most likely doesn't understand anything about Anxious Attachment or is able to perceive the way she forced him into the position he was in. He knows he isn't a murderer though and is initially able to fight back against an entire town turned against him. But nobody, especially at a young age like that, is able to resist society forever without anyone on their side. In a twist of fate, Z is now the one who has no support of his own. This causes tremendous harm to his self esteem and his ability to resist what is a false narrative being forced on him. His mind is overwhelmed by social ostracization. He is truly, once again, a victim. When the whole world is against you, and the mind is unable to defend itself any longer, acceptance starts to set in. All the shame, regret, guilt balloons completely out of control, nothing to keep it in check. Throughout his life, he only sees people who continue to confirm the false narrative. He develops coping and defensive mechanisms to deal with the pain of social ostracization. They aren't good or healthy or even things which reflect the reality around him. They are what the brain needs to process such extreme trauma.
The unfortunate remainder of Z's life serves only as confirmation of his distorted worldview, that he is an irredeemable person. His lack of control, his self destructive behaviors, his inability to create meaningful relationships without blowing them up. There was no 'original sin', he didn't deserve to be in this position. But now that he was, he has created a life that just piles on pain and guilt and regret, a self perpetuating cycle.
The 'Undeniable' Conclusions
These following statements I do not believe to be debatable based on the evidence presented. Perhaps if something was left out of the story they could be challenged, but even then, I doubt anything additional could be major enough to change them.
1. The GF was Anxiously Attached to you, which manifested as a form of abuse towards you.
I know what Anxious Attachment looks like. I have lived it. I know what fixation and unhealthy relationship dynamics look like, as I have also live that. You are going to have to trust me when I tell you how messed up the brain of a person like hers or mine can be and how easily that can turn to abusive behavior. People think that she was in love and you pushed her away but that is a very naive way to view what was in fact a very complicated situation. Her behavior was manipulative, controlling and it was destructive and undeniably it was harmful to you. It doesn't matter whether she was a victim herself, it doesn't matter if she was 'just trying to love you', her behavior was an abuse towards you. Another way to put it, she deliberately created and perpetuated an unhealthy relationship dynamic between you which negatively impacted your life, drastically even if you were as disconnected from the world as you say you became.
2. You were not her boyfriend by the time of her death and you have no responsibility in her suicide.
You tried to escape her, for years you tried everything to get away. You told her it was over, you tried to hide from her, you may have even been mean towards her in the hope she would dump you. But, through all that, that she refuses to accept you are not her boyfriend doesn't mean you are still her boyfriend! Even if people knew you as her boyfriend, and even if you allowed them to be under that misconception, you were still not responsible for supporting her. In fact, you of all people on the planet should *not* have supported her. That would have been enablement of her unhealthy attachment. Best case she needed to be removed and put in therapy, and worst case you should have had a restraining order taken out against her.
3. You are a victim, and something terrible and unjust has been done to you.
This is really straightforward. Even setting aside the relationship dynamic which was abusive towards you, the way society has handled you over the course of your life is the ultimate form of gaslighting and emotional abuse. You were scapegoated to protect the actual abusers, and with even your own family turning against you, there was no way for you to psychologically defend yourself against your abuse. Speaking from experience, overcoming this kind of trauma is extraordinarily difficult as you naturally cannot see yourself as a victim. But that is the nature of gaslighting.
4. You still have things you should regret and be ashamed of.
If you are not actually following me on the above, the thing I need to emphasize is that yeah, you did end up doing many bad and regrettable things. Especially in your later life, it seems you have been destructive and reckless and irresponsible. What was the original source of the guilt and shame I believe should be dispelled, but everything that happened after that, you still have to own it. The key here, is you have to recognize *how much* guilt and shame you should be feeling for everything. And, I would say, it should not be too much. Some for sure, but not an amount which hinders your life.
5. Putting it all together, you should be very mad at all this shit that happened to you.
If you aren't, you should be. The parents and the friends were cowards who used you to ease their own guilt. I'm sure many of them hardly even think about the GF anymore, they are sleeping easy because they sacrificed your life to make that happen. You should be thinking about the decade an a half of life that was taken away from you and you should actually be pissed. You might not be, if you don't buy my conclusions or even if they haven't sunk in all the way. But I was pissed when I found out the same shit was done to me and I lost around 18 years of life out of it.
Consider this a freebie because I like you. This is a few suggestions for you to move forward with. If you are willing to give my narrative a chance but you don't know what to do with it anyway, then I have some directions.
1. Internalize that you were victim.
This is the first step, you have to really come to terms with the fact that you were victimized and abuse and traumatized. That might actually be easier for you than it was for me, because i was under the delusion I was in control, that I was not so weak that I could be controlled or abused. I'm hoping that understanding that your GF was Anxiously Attached, the impact of that, and how all the dominoes fall from there, that you will understand all the ways you were actually abuse throughout your life. Another point to remember, a lot of the people who hurt you did not consider themselves abusers, they couldn't have known better having heard a repugnant rumor about you. But that doesn't mean the damage they caused you wasn't real.
2. Resolve the original sin.
If you can accept the above, you should understand that the source of your guilt and shame was put in you unfairly. And it caused your life to spiral out of control, making self sustaining cycles of self hate within you. But if you remove the original sin, you can prevent the cycle from continuing and you can start to unravel it all.
3. Forgive yourself the worst of what you've done.
Some of the things you have done you never should have shouldered the blame for, and others you should recognize only happened because you were forced into all the positions you are in. I think you still need to repay any debts you have to the world, but it is time to find forgiveness for yourself.
3. Part of atonement can be living a good, healthy life.
You have something you need to prove to yourself now. That you *are* a good person, that you can believe in yourself as someone who is worth it. You can start doing that by allowing yourself recognition for the goods you do. I don't know what goods you do, but if you don't feel it is enough, you can do more! Just remember to give yourself credit without throwing it away from the feeling that you aren't worth it. Once you are there, it will be easier to stick to self improvement projects, since you won't be as likely to self sabotage yourself. Building yourself up also increases your ability to be kind and supportive and do good. As easily as you can create a negative reinforcement loop, a positive reinforcement loop is possible which can help you take back control of your life and one day, make you feel proud to be you.
4. Identify and disarm your defensive mechanisms and traps.
You should be doing a lot of self reflection and introspection. You have problematic behaviors, you probably have triggers, you self destruct and ruin your relationships with others. Root out and understand why you do these things and start trying to undo them. It's not always easy, and it takes a lot of time, but you can develop healthier ways to handle situations that you now feel are out of your control.
5. Keep up introspection, keep striving to improve, and you can suceed - in time.
Even by some miracle if my advice is actually solid and you actually take it, it's not gonna be easy and it is not gonna be super fast to improve. It will not always been a straight line. Often times recovery is very rocky, it involves setbacks. But if you keep seeking it out, the results are worth it. You just have to believe in yourself enough to weather the rough parts.
Well, I spent a lot of time on that, so I hope you at least give it serious consideration and really spend the time remembering, processing, and reflecting on your past and yourself. But you may also just reject most of this. I dunno, I'm getting tired and I'm not your keeper, haha. I'm happy to answer or clarify anything, in the case you take me seriously as someone who knows what they are doing and talking about.
Either way, hope things work out for you Z.
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First off, I just want to say that I appreciate the effort you put into writing that all out. I know that in itself isn't much, but it's what I can give to show my appreciation.
Having it put in that way, as almost a retelling from a third party, it helps put some things into perspective. The biggest being that I really didn't matter in the long run of the events that unfolded. I felt like I had a much larger role, but in reality it was just going to happen whether or not I was there. I feel awful not knowing of what she was affected with, that I didn't see the signs something was wrong sooner.
I still don't feel like a victim, but perhaps I need to have proper counseling to see myself as one. To think of myself as a victim, when I've already survived so much and come back from the dead multiple times, it just doesn't feel right to think of myself as one. I used to be angry, upset, and overall miserable over what happened... but that's from so long ago. In fact a lot of the anger I had caused a lot of stress on myself as I didn't have any kind of proper outlet. However, all of that is in the past by now and I've learned to not have anger.>a freebie because I like you
That's some dangerous words you're spitting there.
I've done better in keeping myself open to people liking me as a whole, but I still have issues with thinking they're genuine. And I'll keep striving to improve myself, but progress is... slow and tiresome... but it's still progress.
And really, my biggest issue that I need to work on now is being so pessimistic overall.
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okay, literally who are you and why do we need to read about your entire life
please tell me that the second-to-last post in here is not you on Anon writing about yourself(...brit :c please be respectful, dear friend )
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Why the fuck are you so rude?
The second to last person to post in here, who has been talking to him the entire time, is Thorax.
And you dont HAVE to read about his entire life, literally nobody asked you to. The topic on hand was the result of a fair amount of discussion beforehand because, I dont know, normal people care about each other?
No need to come in here acting like an asshole, you could easily just ignore it.
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You wanna call me rude and then make out i'm "not a normal person," is it abnormal to not double-check 330+ posts first before posting in the thread? I guess that's on me.
it ABSOLUTELY is abnormal to come into a thread acting like a complete asshole, treating people like shit, and acting like youre somehow inconvenienced by people talking about themselves.
Like what is your actual fucking damage?
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I dunno, what's yours? You've had a fuckin problem with me ever since specifically that last time I made an observation about a user on this site. Why are you all so overprotective and defensive? What, it's alright to shit-talk people as long as they don't fit your particular clique?
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She isn't being over protective or defensive. Val is calling it how it is in a 100% fair way. You're being a total asshole in literally the worst place to be an asshole right now. I'd fucking slap the shit out of you if you weren't thousands of miles away.
Speaking as a mod now, you're way over the line on civility. Usually you have some reason when you're being a jerk that I can at least empathize with, but you're just being a bastard to Z and then to Val with no cause (if you have a grudge with Val, take it somewhere else). Walk away from the thread, that's a warning.
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Calm down, Brit.
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Maybe things are different in British, but in American your post does indeed come off as very rude.
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Yeah, I am just going to have to agree that >>1047693
was uncalled for.
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I'm just a nobody and you only could read about it if you felt like it. It's a bit more personal than most things I've written about on here, but it does stem from some questions that were posed about a week ago. And the other poster is not me as an anon, simply because I have no idea where to find those images they're using.
Apologies if my posting came off as selfish and narcissistic. If it makes you feel any better, this kind of posting is not going to continue.
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nah honestly I was just kidding, but obviously the joke wasn't welcome. I didn't read the thread so that's on me, you're all good
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>>1047492>"If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. If you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life".
I almost feel bad for laughing. Dark humor is like food some people don't get it
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Let's just move on here please. Brit was warned, everyone already got their opinion in on it. He says he didn't mean harm, and that's fine. I'd rather the thread not devolve further trying to pick apart his sincerity. He states he was in the wrong and that is sufficient.
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i know you and you know me!
how goes it today?
i overslept far more than i should have but that is par for the course when i have had sleeping issues for last week and a half
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Hey, sometimes it's hard to read the room and sometimes things are said that get taken the wrong way. No need to chastise the person if they're willing to admit their mistake, if there was one to begin with.>>1047719
Dark humor is kinda the lighter side of sadness for me, but some people don't take too kindly to it.
And sometimes there isn't a joke, but I laugh anyway.>>1047730
not bad, dealing with my dog having her toenail ripped off. Good news is it's not infected, and I have some antibiotics for her. Bad news is that she's got to wear a wrapped bandage and rubber shoe for about a week.
She is not too happy with me currently
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Sorry, I never actually responded to this. Jumped into moderator mode and was distracted the rest of the day.
Yeah, don't worry about the feeling of victimization right now. If it's anything like me it tooks months for that to sink in. Just keep reflecting, asking yourself questions, put the pieces together in your mind. It you accept it as logically correct, the rest of you will catch up with that understanding in time.
Honestly, you might be suppressing anger much more than not having anger. I have had a toxic relationship with anger and tried to eliminate it entirely. But it's more that I suppressed it so much I couldn't recognize that I was ever angry. I was upset at the idea people thought I was angry, despite it being clear I was acting angry. Maybe it's just me, though. I'm starting to reconnect with my anger, respect it as a part of me and try to control and harness it.
I get the struggle to feel someone is genuine towards me. I guess I feel confident enough now that I don't worry about it. That probably comes with finding internal validation, I'd like it a lot if people like me genuinely, but I just shrug at the idea that they don't. Their loss!
I'd like to keep up with you if that's alright. Say hi, see how you're doing and feeling. Share shit, I dunno. Do you have a discord? Do you use that kind of thing at all?
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I thought of you when i first bumped into Z's story on pchan. Im glad you ran into each other.>>1047746
You should drop in on HAY thread. Theres some good folks in there including another Z fellow.
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Didn't even realize you were a mod, huh.
Sure, if you want. -Z-#0181 >>1047914
I think I've seen this other Z you and other people have talked about, but never met them.
Kinda funny considering that apparently we frequent a lot of the same places...